Fritz Hakunamatata
Fritz was a successful toupee salesman in Rocky Mount, North Carolina when he was struck by a car and hurled into a pastry shop. After a three day coma, he awoke with his idea of the true meaning of life. He realized that you can eat your cake and have it too by making two cakes. The day he was released he started the "Mystical Cake Walk Society". Within a week he had two hundred and two members.
Fritz Hakunamatata taught that the ingredients of life must have a mystical frosting. Chanting "Flour Power!" or "We knead dough!" would bring it to the top.
Fritz also preached that Hell was temporary.
"It is just an easy bake oven set on 200 degrees where evil scones are transformed into good little cupcakes."
He rented an airplane hanger and held weekly services where everyone would bake a cake with a "gift" inside. Then they would form a single file and walk into town distributing the cakes to strangers. Some cakes contained hand written poems of peace and love. Others might have a useful object like a toenail clipper or a can of transmission fluid.
Inside his place of worship, thousands of birthday candles burned brightly.
"The birthday candle represents the light of other days. Its fate is to die of consumption yet it always makes light of it misfortune," Mr. Hakunamatata told police after the fire.
After serving two months in jail, Fritz became even more unstable. Oddly, his followers never questioned his motives or mental health. They followed blindly as he set fire to silos across the state of North and South Carolina.
"These fires will light up the sky like giant birthday candles! They will cure the world of..." Fritz never finished his statement. He was killed by a cloud-to-ground lightning burst.
"Well, that takes the cake!" Mrs. Hakunamatata said the funeral.
Fritz was cremated and stored in the freezer at the Patty Cake Bakery in Waffle Town, New Jersey.
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