What Ever Happened to...Cult Leader Olaf Norris?

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Many have asked me recently, "How come you haven't written about the Viking cult leader, Olaf Norris?" Well, to be honest, he just seemed to drop out of the public eye in 2008.

My cracked research team in Sugarland, Texas did some investigation and came up with the following information:

Olaf Klak, who changed his last name to Norris (because it sounds like Norse), was once the leader of a cult known as "The Striking and Biking Hiking Vikings". His group of sixty five wore horned helmets and Viking underoos and would frequently be seen eating apricot cream cheese danishs while hiking through city civic centers. 

His teachings led many members to live in the crevices of Mount Rushmore. Each member had to be baptized in the icy waters of a public swimming pool and hung upside down to dry for at least ten minutes. Olaf taught that climate change was of the devil and that daylight savings time was a ploy to confuse Scandinavian lands and parts of Greenland.

When Olaf was arrested for littering and sentenced to die on Skull Island, Ed Young came to his rescue. After talking with Olaf and paying for his release, Ed convinced Olaf to abandon his cult group and help build a parking garage for his new airplanes. 

Today, Olaf Norris works for Ed Young Inner-tainment Enterprises Construction Company where he pulls in a six-figure salary each year.

This just in...Olaf Norris passed away yesterday and, as requested by his wife, was set on fire, along with his ABBA CD's, on a pyre that was set adrift at Galveston beach. Ed Young gave a hip-hop message that angered almost everyone who attended. He escaped on his private jet before former cult members could catch him.  

What Ever Happened to...Cult Leader Labna Merkinson?

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Many of you readers out there have asked me "What ever happened to Labna Merkinson?"

 If you remember correctly, he was the cult leader who had all his congregation dress in Spartan costume. He made the headlines in the summer of 1991 when he declared himself king of the Western Hemisphere. His militarist reaction to the Home Owners Association of Bayfield landed him in jail more than once.

His teachings were considered insane by half his congregation...but, they loved his spirit, so they stayed because the music was good. Here are some of his writings as the cult leader known as "Zeus Junior":

Each member of the Church of the Ancients will carve their own headstone to be displayed at the front of the church.

Each male member of the Church of the Ancients will jump from Bayfield bridge in the winter to prove his courage.

Songs are to be sung backwards to reveal any hidden messages from Heaven.

No right turns on red. If anyone beeps their horn in anger, then you have the Spartan right to hurl your shield into their front bumper. He who hurls his shield into the rear bumper will be fined half a days salary.

Any money found on the ground, anywhere, will be considered property of the Church of the Ancients.

For many years, Labna Merkinson held services in the underground sewer system. In 2010, Labna was visited by Joel Osteen in a jail cell outside of Topeka. After monetary arrangements were made, and a contract signed, Labna Merkinson became groundskeeper for the Joel Osteen mansion.  

Forgotten Cults #10

Jed Dye

This crooked cult leader started "The Church of Silence" in the early 50's and had his own television broadcast for six silent months. He would stare into the cameras and try to communicate by "mental waves of glory". He never spoke, nor did his 76 member congregation. It seems he never wanted to be misquoted. Everything preached, taught or communicated was through writing on blank music paper.

When Jed Dye was growing up in Noisey, Idaho, he was known as the still-life of the party. He was voted "The Man Most Worthy of Listening To" by the Toastmasters of Sonic Boom, Nevada in 1956.

Jed believed that "religion should be seen and not heard." Each member took a vow of silence to join the church. A vow that lasted 23 hours of each day. The only hour acceptable was the midnight hour. Jed Dye was also known as "Silent Knight".

Some of his beliefs were written on the walls of his church in Cattle Call, Indiana. Here are a few of his doctrines:

• 
  
  Silence is Heaven calling.
• 
  
  We need to be men and women of letters.
• 
  
  Be careful to entertain mimes. For many are angels in disguise.
• 
  
  Live for the moment - and let that moment be a moment of silence.
• 
  
  You have a right to remain silent!
• 
  
  Shut up and practice telepathy daily.
• 
  
  Even hiccups should be done in silence.
• 
  
  The church of silence is the only church in Heaven
• 
  
  Silent movies are sacred.
• 
  
  Silent auctions are too.
• 
  
  Homes should be equipped with silent alarms.
• 
  
  Racquet ball is of the devil.

Jed Dye was eternally silenced, when lightning struck him as he left the theater where "Run Silent Run Deep" was playing. His assistant pastor, Ken Tawk, broke his vow and sang "Twist and Shout" as the yellow coffin was lowered into the ground. In an interview with the local NBC (Nothing But Cults) station in Chatterville, West Virginia, Mr. Tawk said, "Silence isn't always golden, sometimes it's just plain yellow!" Then he jumped out a thirty story window and crashed through the roof of an eighteen-wheeler loaded with Pop Rocks. He was never heard from again.

Forgotten Cults #9

Adam Zapel with his three "angels"

"The Mission of Destruction and Mercy" was Adam Zapel's idea when he was resuscitated after he drowned in Lake Superior. He was known as "Apollo Adam" to his congregation. He claimed the three ladies pictured above were "female angels who were created in 1492. Their names, from left to right, are Anita Hugg, Carrie Oakey and Laura Norder.

He believed in members being whipped with "the belt of truth" if money wasn't given every Sunday. His doctrines were in the form of a creed and bordered on insanity, but over one hundred members recited them daily. Here is his "Apollo Creed":

 We repudiate all deviation or departure from the Mission of Destruction and Mercy, in whole or in part, and bear witness to these essential visions of Apollo Adam and his apostolic new order which includes a side salad and a box of Twix.

The Holy Book of Choice is the only book we shall read unless instructed by our leader. Our attention is focused on "Who Moved My Cheese?".

The received Tradition of the Mission and its teachings as set forth by "the ancient angels of mercy," and especially as defined by the Seven Swans a Swimming of Lake Superior will be ever binding. Anyone who refuses will suffer five blows from "the belt of truth" and the "shoes of peace" will be thrown into the "pit of mesquite wood".

The Sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, Holy Matrimony, Holy Orders, Penance and Unction of the Sick, as objective and effective signs of the truth of the end time prophecy which declares Apollo Adam holy prophet of this generation. In particular, we affirm the necessity of Baptism in grape juice to be the only way of deliverance.
The Holy Orders of bishops, priests and deacons as the perpetuation of God's gift of apostolic ministry, asserting the necessity of a bishop of apostolic succession (or a priest ordained by such) as the celebrant of the grand opening of Six Flags Over Zion.

The ancient office and ministry of Deaconesses as a lay vocation for women, affirming the need for proper encouragement of that office. That office can be purchased for only $25 per month.

Bishops as Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Shepherds and Teachers, as well as their duty (together with other clergy and the laity) to guard and defend the purity and integrity of the Mission can also be purchased for only $50 per month.

We declare our firm intention to seek and achieve full sacramental communion and visible unity with other believers who "have enough money to make a difference," and who hold the Mission and its followers in high esteem. Every new member will receive a hot air balloon ride and a coupon for a free appetizer at Ruby Tuesday's.

Adam Zapel was struck by lightning when he was atop a human pyramid outside his church in 2002. His body was shot from a cannon into Lake Superior. His church is now a used car lot.

Forgotten Cults #8

Rocco Yeast

Founder of "The C.U.L.T."

Rocco made his first million dollars before turning twenty. Then served the next six years in the slammer for counterfeiting. As he stayed in prison, Rocco became more like Boaz before he met Ruth . In other words, he was ruthless. He yelled several mean things at a guard, threw a harmonica at the warden and even slapped a fellow prisoner named Coddington Borax. Once he spit in the pancake batter during breakfast.

In the summer of 2001, while in solitary confinement, he started a cult of one. CULT being an acronym for Criminals Utterly Ludicrous Theology. He made up his own rules, and fasted only when sleeping. He taught himself pig latin and spoke in that language for the rest of his life. He wrote his own bible on the walls of his cell and claimed they were inspired by the ghosts of Baby Face Nelson and Machine Gun Kelly.

He escaped the Montego Bay prison in 2003 and started a church, "The Cult", at a Bed, Bath and Beyond warehouse in Walla Walla under the name, Reverend Nelson Kelly. Although he baptised eight "converts" in one day, he never let them join his one-man cult. Instead, he would rob them at gun point and tell them it was their "offering".

Police arrived at the Bed, Bath and Beyond one day after being tipped off by a Mr. Goodwrench. The only thing they found was Rocco's body, still smokin' from some kind of freak electrical charge. Rocco Yeast is buried in the You Can't Escape THIS Prison Cemetery in Pinkerton, Montana.

His epitath on his tombstone reads:

Here lies Rocco Yeast

Pardon me for not rising.

Bob Dylan once sang a song about Rocco that was never written down, performed or recorded.

Forgotten Cults #7

Fritz Hakunamatata

Fritz was a successful toupee salesman in Rocky Mount, North Carolina when he was struck by a car and hurled into a pastry shop. After a three day coma, he awoke with his idea of the true meaning of life. He realized that you can eat your cake and have it too by making two cakes. The day he was released he started the "Mystical Cake Walk Society". Within a week he had two hundred and two members.

Fritz Hakunamatata taught that the ingredients of life must have a mystical frosting. Chanting "Flour Power!" or "We knead dough!" would bring it to the top.

Fritz also preached that Hell was temporary.

"It is just an easy bake oven set on 200 degrees where evil scones are transformed into good little cupcakes."

He rented an airplane hanger and held weekly services where everyone would bake a cake with a "gift" inside. Then they would form a single file and walk into town distributing the cakes to strangers. Some cakes contained hand written poems of peace and love. Others might have a useful object like a toenail clipper or a can of transmission fluid.

Inside his place of worship, thousands of birthday candles burned brightly. 

"The birthday candle represents the light of other days. Its fate is to die of consumption yet it always makes light of it misfortune," Mr. Hakunamatata told police after the fire.

After serving two months in jail, Fritz became even more unstable. Oddly, his followers never questioned his motives or mental health. They followed blindly as he set fire to silos across the state of North and South Carolina.

"These fires will light up the sky like giant birthday candles! They will cure the world of..." Fritz never finished his statement. He was killed by a cloud-to-ground lightning burst.

"Well, that takes the cake!" Mrs. Hakunamatata said the funeral.

Fritz was cremated and stored in the freezer at the Patty Cake Bakery in Waffle Town, New Jersey. 

Forgotten Cults #6

Omar Bunklebeads

Leader of "The Church of Niceness" Cult

Founded: Incorporated as a church in 1959 by Omar Alexander Bunklebeads (1913-1989). Based largely on his pop-up book "A Body of Divinity Candy Recipes", published in 1950.

Current Organization: The Church of Niceness is overseen by the Church of Niceness International (CNI) in Los Dominos, CA. The current president is Vernon Crabtree. There are approximately 3 Niceness churches in the United States and 2 on islands somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. We can't locate them right now.

Description: The Church of Niceness (CON) can be described as a hybrid between a religion and tooth decay. Despite the fact that it recognizes a Supreme Intelligence, there is no developed theology of what that God is like. Rather, Niceness followers gather in circles and shout out what they feel the "truth" is. Everything said is confirmed by two or three paid witnesses, written down on a Hello Kitty notepad, placed into a helium balloon and then released from the roof of the church.

Omar Bunklebeads claimed to have been taken to Heaven in a cardboard box and given a tour by a talking mouse. Later they discovered he had been heavily medicated and was actually at Disneyland.
Omar was married five times and divorced twice. On the day of his fifth wedding, he was smitten by an atmospheric discharge of electricity accompanied by thunder. He bride jumped clear and escaped injury.
Omar was cremated and placed in a zip-lock freezer bag and mailed to the only person he truly admired, Wink Martindale.  

Forgotten Cults #5

Spencer T. Laveen

"The Church of the Holy Mackerel" started after an unusual dream where an Angelfish told Mr. Laveen his mission in life was to start a new religion. The Angelfish said he should start recruiting members immediately. He awoke and found an empty bottle of Cod Liver Oil beside him. He took this as confirmation that his dream was real and started calling people randomly from the phonebook. After he gathered a dozen followers, and annointed them with fish oil, he sent them out to collect money for a church building. (Most of the money collected was from Christians who never questioned the doctrine. They just heard "church" and donated their cash.)

The church (pictured below) was built in two weeks. 

Mr. Laveen preached every morning and evening for two years. He had a local TV show, "Being Pacific", where he touted his toxic doctrines. Here are a few of his teachings:

• Humans will become fresh water fish in the afterlife.
• Baptism should be followed by swimming upstream against the current.
• If you are not buried at sea you are in danger of an eternal fish fry.
• The Pygmy devil ray (Mobula eregoodootenkee) is our enemy and should be shot on sight.
• Women should wear fish net stockings when going to church.
• The card game, "Go Fish", is of the Devil.
• Members of the Church of the Holy Mackerel will be Kingfish someday. 

Spencer T. Laveen was hit by a lightning bolt while fixing a flat on his Plymouth Barracuda in 2002.

The church disbanded and became extras in the 2003 Australian film, "Swimming Upstream" directed by Russell Mulcahy.

Forgotten Cults #4

Jack Benard Nimble

This former stuntman for Joey Bishop formed "The One-Eyed Jacks" Cult after he fell on his head during the filming of "The Joe Besser Story". His group was comprised of men with only one eye who were named "Jack". There were 5 Caucasians named Jack (including himself), 3 Filipinos named Jack, 2 Vulcans named Jack and 1 Black Jack. 

Their church was built in Las Vegas, eleven miles west of the Dipsy Doodle Theological Seminary and Ice Cream Stand. 

Imaginary funerals were held each Sunday for Silent Film Stars, Jack Hoxie and Jack Pickford.

Here are a few of his doctrinal beliefs:

• 
  
  Board games are of the Devil and should be ripped apart and soaked in Palmolive.
• 
  
  Computer games are of the Devil and should be smashed with a sacred hammer.
• 
  
  "Holy Shuffling" is the practice of throwing a deck of cards in the air, picking up only the cards landing face up and setting the rest on fire as a burnt offering.
• 
  
  Hell, according to Nimble, was a place of cement, not torment.
• 
  
  He taught that Heaven was a neon city with free pretzels and onion rings.
• 
  
  Jack B. Nimble also taught that a movie star would rise in the east and travel to the west.

Mr. Nimble was struck by lightning while preaching to a group of film buffs at the grand opening of "Jack the Ripper" starring Jack Palance.

His "church" is now a half-way house for people convicted of illegal parking. 

Forgotten Cults #3

Kevin the Prophet

Kevin Moonbeam Davis, otherwise known as Kevin the Prophet, started preached his odd doctrine of santification in 1936 at the world's first washeteria.

His belief that sinners should be "cleaned by a washing machine" and his vision of the future where the earth's inhabitants will be nothing but floating brains, gave the cult it's name, "The Brain Washers".

Kevin also taught that hiccups were a sign of demon possession and the only way to exoricise the demonic spirit was to stop, drop and roll.
The Brain Washers were known for going door to door, in pairs, and handing out bars of lye soap shaped like tiny brains. Once invited inside the home, they would pretend to drop dead and come back to life.
"Clean the unseen to maintain the brain" was their mantra.
Kevin claimed to have been raised by wolves and would eat dog food for breakfast on special occasions.
"Wolves are very clean animals", he would say to reporters, "they always kept their caves tidy and neat. And when we traveled, we always used anti-bacterial soap to wash our paws before chowin' down on a deer or armadillo."
"When I saw my first washing machine, I heard the voice of an angel tell me to stick my head in and wash away all my troubles. I was never the same after that. I knew my mission in life. It was filled with suds. Suds of cleansing. Suds of power. Suds of love."
Kevin the Prophet was struck by lightning one night as he was laundering money in a washeteria near San Jose.
All of his followers blended into the Emerging Church movement and were never seen again.

Forgotten Cults #1

Dr. Leroy Q. Mints

Pictured above is the man who started "The Mark of the Candy Cane" Cult in 1956. This quack left his medical career and Toastmaster friends and began a religion based on the assumption that Cain's forehead was marked with a candy cane with a bow, and that Cain opened the very first candy cane shop in the land of Nod.

All who follow Leroy and his teachings wear a temporary tattoo on their foreheads like the one seen above.

Hell, according to Mints, is not a place of eternal torment, as traditional Christianity maintains.

"Hell will be a place where all food has gone beyond its expiration date and roaches are the size of a compact car with a hubcap missing." 

"Heaven will be a place where everyone will have an invisible airplane...just like Wonder Woman! And we will be able to eat metal."

"Baptism should be done in jello," he often stated, "because it's a lot easier to get back up!"

"Our belief is that Cain is still alive and is working at a Hi-Lo Auto Supply somewhere in Fresno."

"We also believe that Jay Leno is the Anti-Christ."

His adherents referred to him as "Poppa Mints" and ate only candy canes made from sweet beets or unidentified meat products that have high sodium, fat and nitrite content.

Leroy and his followers could be seen gathering at gas stations across the United States where Dr. Mints would preach and throw candy canes at the elderly. 

He was struck by lightning on April 3, 1957 while jumping on a set of whitewalls at an old Texaco station in Saginaw, Texas. 

Mints was buried in a red and white, candy cane-shaped cardboard coffin behind a malt shop in Utah two days later.

All fifteen of his followers are now working for Blitz Power Mints in Maryland, and are frequently seen line dancing at Vernon Lee's Prime Rib Junction. 

Dr. Mints body was exhumed two months later and tested for traces of nicotine, then reburied in the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Cemetary in Poughkeepsie.

Double Cross

Cult Following

Q&A #2

First of all, let me say that Q&A is a series of questions from readers all over the globe who want answers. These queries come to me from email and envelope. Yesterday, after the posting from a brother in New York, I was flooded with two more letters. Both had the same question and the same return address. Since they are identical I will post only one. And let me just mention at the outset, that THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS. Please remember that. I want everyone to feel that they can ask anything related to Scripture without fear of looking foolish. Thank you.
This question is from Toby and Moby Fernwallet of Blindbug, Maryland. They write:

Dear Eddie,
Is Scientology a cult?
Toby and Moby

Dear Toby and Moby,
That is one of the dumbest questions I have ever heard. Look in any Christian book that lists the cults and, "wah-la" it's right there inside! Don't you ever go to the Christian bookstore?
Every cult has:

Christ-demeaning
Un-Biblical
Loony
Theology

...and Scientology certainly fits into that category!

Scientology
Cultivates
Insane
Egotism,
Non-Biblical
Theology,
Odd
Legends,
Ontologically
Goofy
Yarns!

Thanks for your letters.
Eddie

Letter Department

What exactly is vegetarianism? Is it a cult like Cow-vinism, where cows are worshipped?
Thank you,
Poopdeck Pappy

Dear Poopdeck,
Vegetarianism is a harmless practice, though it is apt to fill a person with wind and self-righteousness...usually the person who practices vegetarianism is peace loving and will never pick a bone with anyone! Strict vegetarians should not eat animal crackers or tiny one-celled animals like the amoeba.
Thanks for the question,
Eddie