The Neo-Amish

Dear Eddie,

We are the Neo-Amish. We have broken away from the old school of Amishness and have changed a few things to better our future. We use computers, but they are powered by kerosene. We wear our own style of clothes, shoes and hats. We have kept the traditional suspenders for religious reasons.

We are a sub group of the Anabaptists with a slight twist - we will punch your lights out if ye spit at us or hit us with something made of aluminum. Our belief in separation from the world is modified a little. We now can use a taxi if it's raining. The Neo-Amish believe ye can have bean bags as furniture, if the beans inside are home grown. We use musical instruments in our worship and we use muted musical instruments during prayer. The Neo-Amish women not only make quilts and dolls, they make beach towels and ant farms as well.

We want to invite ye and ye're members to come and dine with us this Christmas day if ye aren't doing anything. If anyone does show up, please bring more kerosene so we can maintain our new blog, "Neo-Amish in the House".

Thank ye and may God bless ye, brother Ed.

Your friend,

Moses Bling

Neo vs Meo

22nd Century Time Capsule .001

Eddie speaking: This is what I have been sent from the 22nd century. It is a dialog that took/will take place between Spiffy Noofala (über-Arminianism and Pelagianism taken to the extreme) and Neo Sporin (Rock-solid Calvinism unchanged by time):

Spiffy: We have a nickname for you sub-human undergrounds, "C.Y.B.O.R.G.S.", an acro for Christian Yo-Yo's (because YOU believe in the ultimate UP and DOWN) Being Obnoxious - Relaying God's "Sovereignty". Your theology is SO not politically precise. No wonder your kind is banned from PDA. (Public Display of Adoration). You CYBORGS stink!

Neo: We have a nickname for you also…"Unbelievers". You claim to "believe" in God. But it's not the God of the Bible - it's a god that looks like you!

Spiffy: Nothing wrong with that! I am in love with my perfection and sinlessness. Heaven just wouldn't be Heaven without me. Anyone who believes in God goes to Heaven! My Bible says even demons believe! And they tremble with the anticipation of a Heavenly condo. Besides, everyone who has any sense knows that Hell is just a metaphor for bad moments on earth.

Neo: The "Bible" you use is a self-editing one. I have seen copies of the E.D.I.T Bible (Easy Does It Translation). It's a JOKE! You are able to change any verse to suit your mood at any moment of the day. Can't you see that is no foundation at all! The only Bible that is of any worth is the Holy Bible! And they are few and far between now that stores refuse to sell them.

Spiffy: My God leaves the translating to each individual. We are gods inside. We are all embraced by the divine light. You are a bunch of fools to think the Scriptures are infallible, inerrant, and verbally inspired!

Neo: Do yourself a favor. Find a copy of the ESV.3 somewhere…there are some used bookstores that might have a copy…and just READ the Gospel of John! That's all I am asking at this time. I will get back with you later.

Spiffy: To quote the prophet Joel Olsteen, "I will be HAPPY when my heavenly PAPPY makes me rich with my own self-esteem." I will read it when I feel like I need to, outlaw.

Eddie: This is all I have so far. I was told by the time capsule's "voice" that more transmissions will follow.

Coming Soon

I know this sounds unbelievable but, a time capsule from the 22nd century arrived in my backyard yesterday! I will fill you all in on the details of my discovery in the near future, after I examine the contents to verify if it is indeed authentic! So far, it seems that this "Spiffy Noofala" is a product of a user-friendly presentation of the Gospel taken to the extreme. He thinks he is a real Christian and he seems to be in the popular majority in the 22nd century. "Neo Sporin", on the other hand, is the real thing. He is a Calvinist, and among the underground Church of the future. I'll get back with you after I read more. Some of the jargon is hard to understand. For some reason, this time capsule contains both sides of the future controversy. Maybe together we will find out why.