B Day

Thirty years ago, an Arminian entrepeneur, Lamont Gummery, wrote me a letter and closed with, "I hope you live to be as old as your jokes." Well, today I turn sixty. SIXTY!! I HAVE NOW LIVED OVER ONE THIRD OF MY NATURAL LIFE! All I can say is to love God, love people, and keep the fun in the fundamental things. I still maintain that only a Calvinist can really enjoy life to the fullest. With Christ, life is a great adventure with a fantastic ending...or better, a fantastic never-ending! Have a blessed day my brothers and sisters! My birthday wish is for you to send up a short prayer for me to find a job here in Kuwait. I will let you know when God opens that office door. Shukran. ("Shook-run") That's "Thank you" in Arabic.

Fun with the Ungodly

. If you ever drive by one of those "Gentlemen's Clubs" or an X-rated video store in your city, and you see some guy making his way to or from the front door...honk your horn like crazy until you get his attention, then wave to him like he is your long lost friend! They will think someone they know spotted them in a place they shouldn't be. It's the "deer caught in the headlights" technique that works extremely well with the backslidden. This will probably keep them nervous and uneasy for three or four weeks...depending on their level of depravity and how much they have applied a hot iron to their conscience.

Strange Facts about Christian Leaders #2

1. Jonathan Edwards had to be taught to walk by his own mother and father!

2. Science has proven that Charles Haddon Spurgeon, the great preacher of the 19th century, would have been a full-blooded Spainiard had both of his parents been of Spanish parentage.

3. William Carey, the father of missions, suffered with a fever at various times in his life.

4. Once R.C. Sproul struck his own finger with a hammer!

5. John MacArthur has been known to blow his nose in a public setting.

6. A.W. Pink, the prolific author and profound teacher of the Doctrines of Grace, in his earlier years, would cry when he was in discomfort or didn't get his way!

7. Augustine, without explanation, would sometimes gaze at the moon for what seemed to be a full minute!

8. Michael Scott Horton used to celebrate Halloween by going door to door in disguise and collecting bags of candy for himself.

9. Although the police never found out, D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones had a reputation for burning "Midnight Oil".

10. B.B. Warfield caused his mother much pain before and during childbirth!

Why not encourage the leaders in your church today with a phone call or e mail. Let them know you appreciate them. Then send them a link to Calvinistic Cartoons. They will either thank you or never speak to you again.

Customized Gospels of John

The above Gospel of John magazine is real and targeted at a specific demographic. What if some organization decided to publish and promote very specialized Gospels for very particular groups?

Here are a few I came up with:

The Gospel of John for people of have some kind of heat rash.
The Gospel of John for those people who are lactate intolerant.
The Gospel of John for people with sinus problems.
The Gospel of John for people who dislike Home Owners Associations.
The Gospel of John for people whose stomach is starting to make noise.
The Gospel of John for those who were granted a stay of execution.
The Gospel of John for those who have an E string missing on their guitar.
The Gospel of John for those with two lug nuts missing on their front right tire.
The Gospel of John for who are lingering near the monkey cage at the zoo.
The Gospel of John for people with ugly pets.
The Gospel of John for people who used to be meteorologists.
The Gospel of John for people who failed to yield the right of way.
...for people who mow their grass way too early in the morning.
...for people who look like Moe of the Three Stooges.
...for those who have tattoos of vegetables on their ankles.
...for people who are late this month paying their electric bill.
...for people who have sneezed on a Betty Boop snow globe.

See if your brain can think of some other people or groups I might have passed over.

btw...I plan on creating some Photoshop versions of these (yours included) in future posts. So the more I have to choose from the better. (...and, of course, full credit for the idea will go to the author of the customized Gospels.)

Eddie's Advice Column #3

Dear Eddie,
When I formed our Christian Rock group, "Dirt & Spittle", a year ago, I believed everyone in the band was a follower of Christ. Well, we are now having trouble with our drummer, Mucus Langley. Seems he has a drinking problem like his father. Each night we perform he will disappear after the first set. When we are about to conclude our gig, he always stands up and drunkenly yells, "Hallelujah" and collapes on his drums, knocking everything over, including himself. What should we do?
Your fan,
Paul McCarkey

Dear Paul,
Your friend seems to be swallowing in his father's footsteps.
First, witness to him. You might begin with Psalm 141:10 from the New Living Translation: "The wicked fall into their own snares, but let me escape."
If he doesn't repent, call KFC and order a pair of drumsticks to be delivered to his house with the note: "Dude, until your heart is right with God, these are the only drumsticks you will be allowed to use. Until then, you are being replaced by a drum machine. Meanwhile, I am here if you need to talk."
I am sending you, free of charge, "The Gospel of John for Drummers". It is no different from any other Gospel of John. It just has a specialized cover that depicts Lazarus and the sons of Zebedee playing drums in Heaven.
Your friend,
Eddie

The Journal of Cotton Adams #25

October 1, 1739

Upon arriving in the very clean town of Palmolive, I witnessed a crowd gathered around a man who was secured in a pillory on display in the center of the town square. A pillory is a device consisting of a wooden board with holes for the head and hands, in which petty offenders are locked and exposed to public scorn.

I dismounted my horse and approached the jeering crowd to inquired about the identity of this most unfortunate fellow.

"His name is Doctor Al Beefine. He is our town physician," said a man who clearly had just eaten a huge portion of liver and onions. Breathing only through my mouth, I asked as to what criminal act was committed.

"Well, he is also the town drunk. Last night, he broke into out library and removed the appendix from every book that had one. Yeah, he's a regular cut-up all right. And like most doctors, he never treats anyone well. He dumped some pills into our water tower on one of his drunken binges, and everyone slept for two whole days!"

"How long will he be locked in the pillory?" I asked, not allowing any air to pass through my nostrils.

"We're drying him out. We will allow him release in another ten minutes. Some of us have appointments with him this afternoon. Remember this young fella, no matter how long a doctor has been treating folk, he is always still practicing. This man will treat you and then make you pay for it! That's a joke, son. Thought it up myself just seconds ago. Besides, if he loses his patients, he will get mad!"

I thought to myself that my hay fever could wait to be treated in the next town. It, after all, was much atchoo about nothing.

Just for Laughs # 24

Have some fun and supply a caption fitting for this fine photo. In the near future I plan on turning all of the Just for Laughs into full blown Calvinistic Cartoons with full credit given to the funniest caption artist.