The Masked Arminian Pastor #12

Atheist Comic Discovered

This 1944 comic book indicated that there had been eight issues previously published by the Godless Atheists of America Publishing Company in Braindead, Minnesota. This was a lie. Only one issue circulated, making the public believe it was number nine. No one knows the reasoning here. The publisher, Matty Dumas, later told the press to mind their own business. "No one can tell me what I should or shouldn't do!" he screamed before throwing himself out of a one story building.

Do Zombies Exist?

Ghost Ship

one click enlargement available

Atheist Devotional Book #8

...got nothin'

Atheist Devotional Book #7

A few hundred yards offshore this morning, a whale broke the surface of the water. I saw its dark rolling back for only a single tantalizing moment. But the thrill of that brief sighting has had me thinking all day about life in the ocean.

Evidence of it lined the beach where I went walking: quahog shells, mussels, slippers, limpets, periwinkles; shore creatures feeding on the ocean's bounty; tern diving for fish; a gull feasting on the carapace of a  horseshoe crab; a flock of sanderlings chasing the retreating waves. 

Mother Nature sure knows how to evolve her children. She's my kind of gal, I tells ya.

I surprised my Christian neighbor the other day. She always tries to convince me that there is a God. I stopped her on the street and told her that I now worship someone greater than myself. She looked at me for a few seconds and asked, "Who do you worship?"

"Evil Lou", I told her, holding back my laugh. "Evil Lou Shun!" Then I burst into laughter and pushed her into the bushes." See ya later, little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes!" Then I caught a bus for Memphis.

Truth be told, I do love evolution. Sometimes I think it is pure genius and other times I think it is an idiot. Why don't we have both gills AND lungs...or wings so we can fly, for crying out loud. It doesn't make sense sometimes...but neither did my late husband. 

Atheist Devotional Book #6

It's Sunday night and I'm getting ready to go to the Alpha Privative First Church of Atheistic Indulgence. It's the first day of services and I want to tell you readers that I'm pumped up and ready to holler. 


The "pastors" are Tom Foolerie and his lovely wife, Folly. At my request, and for the chance to make it into my devotional, he sent me the bulletin for me to share with you.


We start with our signature song,"Imagine" by John Lennon.
Then we go right into "With a Little Luck" by Paul McCartney.
That is followed by "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King.
Next on the list is "Jumping Jack Flash" then "The Theme from Rawhide" and finishing off with "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga.


We all drink whiskey or bourbon while Pastor Tom Foolerie takes the podium and lectures on "The Gifts That Evolution Brings". That is his "sermon" for the week. Folly takes the podium after he steps down and does an interpretive dance number that demonstrates primordial soup to human being in less than twenty minutes. Amazing stuff.


Then we break into small groups and plan crimes of passion. 


There will be a square dance and a buffet while an overhead projector shows slides of Madalyn Murray O'Hair's X-rays.


We all join hands at the end of the service and sing "Livin' La Vita Loca".


It promises to be an interesting evening for those who will attend. A door prize will be offered each week. This week the door prize will be an atheistic card deck (there is no King of Hearts) and a chance to talk to Richard Dawkins on Skype.


We offer free ministry licences to any atheist who asks.


That's the way we roll here at the Alpha Privative First Church of Atheistic Indulgence. Not being there is also okay because it symbolizes non-existence. 


If you come...bring money. We need to build a vomitorium.  

Atheist Devotional Book #5

Yet another pathetic, preposterous page to ponder.

(note - this is Faye's seventh husband's funeral...not the fifth who was eaten by a bear.)

In the reception line at my husband's funeral, I privately prided myself for remaining dry-eyed. I graciously greeted the guests and thanked them for having come, so perfectly poised that people remarked, "My, you're taking this well."

"Well," I would tell them, "he WAS JUST A CARBON BASED UNIT THAT HAD HIS ELECTRICAL IMPULSES SMASHED OUT BY A TWO TON ROCK!.....HELLO!"

I have no patience with "sweetness"....and these were fellow atheists! Stupid morons.

Then, two days later, while I was going through my former husband's belongings, I came across a small voodoo doll pincushion that looked a great deal like me. In fact, a lock of my hair was taped to it's scrawny little head! That idiot was practicing voodoo in my own home, I tells ya!

I got in my car and drove for an hour, back to the burial site where that brainless buffoon was buried and poured ten gallons of grass killer and gasoline on his "resting place". I stepped back about twenty feet and lit a Roman candle. It didn't take long for that site to erupt in billowing flames.

"Take THAT ya voodoo-practicing monkey!"

The police arrived ten minutes later and I explained to them that some Christian teenagers were defacing my husband's cemetery plot! They believed every word. 

When this dies down, I'll be going back to do some more damage. Framing Christians is not a bad way to help our cause. Try it today!    

Atheist Devotional Book #4

The following entry is from page 263:

My husband Link and I had prepared to backpack into the Grand Canyon for a solid year before our trip. But most of that conditioning had been with only partially filled packs and on flatter surfaces than we would encounter on the canyon trails.

On our second day of the real hike, on the Tonto Platform between the Hermit trail and the more primitive trail at Boucher Creek, we were already very tired. A couple of hours of walking didn't quite match up to eight hours a day of hard hiking.

We were plodding along the trail on the Tonto, a little after noon on the second day of the trip, when suddenly a huge brown bear leaped on Link and killed him within seconds.

I yelled at the bear and it came running towards me with an obvious intent on killing me too! I spun around and lit my flame thrower with my cigarette lighter sending a stream of fire into the bears face! The bear let out a howl and ran into the woods still in flames. I tracked the bear down and finished it off with my 45's.

I can remember my husband and I talking about the "survival of the fittest". Now he is an illustration of the losing end of that equation.

I married again a week later to some guy I met in a bar.

Ironic, isn't it? A bear took one husband...at a bar I found another. And his name is Davy Crockett, just like the historic figure who killed him a "bar" when he was only three.

We divorced a week and a half later. 

Just like evolutionists and monkeys are one big family, atheists and bears have a lot in common. It's kill or be killed in this bear-eat-man world we live in. 

Kisses and bear hugs to all my readers. 

Atheist Devotional Book #3

Another entry in Faye Rosehart's "devotional"...

I'm sitting on a park bench, reading a book while the butterflies hover over a stalk of hollyhocks and then flutter to the daylilies bending on their stems. I've come to this bench as I often do on a Saturday to escape the phone and the computer and the bills that need to be paid. I even make a point of not taking a watch. It's my sort of "staycation" -- a way of getting away without going far at all.

All of a sudden my calm is interrupted by a boy, about three years old, who dashes along the path and then ducks behind a hedge.

"I'm hiding!" he calls to his mother, who's pushing an empty stroller along the path behind him.

"You can't see me! I'm imbizabul!" he yells, his blond cowlick rising over the shrubbery like a duck's tail.

Of course she can see him and so can I. The boy pops up from behind the hedge and greets his mother in a fit of giggles.

"You found me!" he exclaims in pitch high enough to break my reading glasses.

"I did!" she says, giving him a hug.

I watch them go and then get up from my bench, thinking, I'm glad I don't have any little brats to waste my atheistic time. I wonder how those two would like it if I went to their home and starting making a bunch of racket. Something always seems to break into my quite moments and mess up my day. I'm sick of these stupid birds singing around me as well! 

Sometimes I wish I were in solitary confinement.

So, remember readers...if your day is interrupted by the noise of laughing morons or singing beasts, fire a couple of shots into the air and tell them to get lost!

Atheist Devotional Book #2

Here is another page from the devotional designed to keep atheism evolving:

My favorite flowering plant is the hibiscus. Last summer I bought a large potted red one and put it on our patio. Nurtured by rain and our sprinkler system, the plant grew like a weed in a vegetable garden. I enjoyed immensely its rich green leaves and bright trumpet blossoms. Does evolution have good ideas or what?

This winter, as the temperature dipped near freezing, I brought the hibiscus into our sunny breakfast room to protect it from the cold. There was one problem, however: I wasn't accustomed to watering the plant and I soon forgot to. Last week I discovered the hibiscus wilted, yellow, frail and no longer breathing.

I was disgusted with myself for being so neglectful to a harmless plant. I went to the closet, got out a croquet mallet and pounded it flat in front of all my other plants. I wanted them to know that I am the master.

I walked over to one of my chrysanthemums, which was in shock, and slapped it around. Then I ran over the rest of my outside plants with my lawnmover.

In the midst of all this, I wept for their evolutionary history. Just think, if plants had become the predominant life form, we might be suffering from mistreatment in the green leaves of a Venus Flytrap!

Go gently through that good night everybody. Be positive about the negative wherever your feet find you.

Atheist Devotional Book

Came across this book by Faye Rosehart in a used book store while I was in the States this summer. Seems that Faye Rosehart wrote this book a year before she passed on. She was a chain smoker and corn cob pipe enthusiast. This was a very strange book to read. Her idea was to have a daily guide to atheistic principles and propaganda. Faye was buried with a carton of Winstons.

Here is a page from this volume. Let me know what you think of it.

During my first month working at the book store, a red-haired man who looked like Red Buttons pushed his way through the line at the information desk and barked, "I need a book called Atheists and the Unicorn!" 

The tiny woman at the front of the line gingerly looked at him and said, "I should rip your heart out...but, you don't seem to have one."

I smiled at both of them and told the rude man, "The book you're wanting is called, Atheists and the UNIVERSE." I began walking around the counter to lead him to the shelf.

He stopped in his tracks. "No, young lady, the book I want is called Atheists and the Unicorn. It's by... let's see..." He wrinkled his brow in thought. "Kip Tawkin."

"You're close, sir," I said, "it's by Kip Squawkin."

"No, I know I'm right."

He seemed so sure of himself that I mumbled, "I check our inventory and see if it's here."

"Never mind. I will go elsewhere!"

He stormed off and got into his car. Then he drove it into our store, breaking the front glass doors and injuring four other innocent atheists.

I shot through his windshield five or six times, with my handgun, before the car door came open and Mr. Pompous Baboon fell out. 

I rushed to his side and lifted up his head. His last words were..."It's a livin'."

We informed the police before we cremated him.

What does it all matter anyway? We all wind up being nothing with a lower case "n". 

Hope this helps you as you speed through your miserable life, my friends. 

This is Faye Rosehart saying, "Love to smoke, love to drink, I think I married the missing link."  

DNA Coffee for Atheists

Pig Pen Polemics #2

Lucky Stiff?

New Atheist Blog

Here is a blog I found while doing research on

stinkbugs and snakes.

No Atheists in Hell

Believe it or not, there are no atheists or agnostics in Hell! The only atheists are here on earth.  There is a "Great Awakening" for those who deny the existence of God. Some of the celebrites pictured above are no longer atheists. They are believers - believers like the demons who believe. For those pictured above who are still living, God's command to repent is still in effect. Depravity, being what it is, is total, and without spiritual revelation and saving grace, there is no hope for the "earth time" atheist. I, myself, claimed to be an atheist in my teen years. Someone was praying for me. God predestines the ends as well as the means, so if you are prompted to pray for a celebrity, by "all means" do it! Atheism is, and will always be, a temporary delusion.

Trouble Makers

If you don't want to be upset by ranting atheists,

don't read this!

It's in the comments where they show their true colors.

No Scruples

Use Daily

click to enlarge so as not to get a headache