The Angry Birds Hymnal

Thanks to The Blainemonster for this great idea!

Arminian Antics #83

Arminian Antics #75

Atheist Devotional Book #6

It's Sunday night and I'm getting ready to go to the Alpha Privative First Church of Atheistic Indulgence. It's the first day of services and I want to tell you readers that I'm pumped up and ready to holler. 


The "pastors" are Tom Foolerie and his lovely wife, Folly. At my request, and for the chance to make it into my devotional, he sent me the bulletin for me to share with you.


We start with our signature song,"Imagine" by John Lennon.
Then we go right into "With a Little Luck" by Paul McCartney.
That is followed by "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King.
Next on the list is "Jumping Jack Flash" then "The Theme from Rawhide" and finishing off with "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga.


We all drink whiskey or bourbon while Pastor Tom Foolerie takes the podium and lectures on "The Gifts That Evolution Brings". That is his "sermon" for the week. Folly takes the podium after he steps down and does an interpretive dance number that demonstrates primordial soup to human being in less than twenty minutes. Amazing stuff.


Then we break into small groups and plan crimes of passion. 


There will be a square dance and a buffet while an overhead projector shows slides of Madalyn Murray O'Hair's X-rays.


We all join hands at the end of the service and sing "Livin' La Vita Loca".


It promises to be an interesting evening for those who will attend. A door prize will be offered each week. This week the door prize will be an atheistic card deck (there is no King of Hearts) and a chance to talk to Richard Dawkins on Skype.


We offer free ministry licences to any atheist who asks.


That's the way we roll here at the Alpha Privative First Church of Atheistic Indulgence. Not being there is also okay because it symbolizes non-existence. 


If you come...bring money. We need to build a vomitorium.  

Facets of Grace: Something a Little Different

Facets of Grace: Something a Little Different: This is a song I wrote a few years back to the tune of Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Caught in the Crossfire". At the end of this song is a link to ...

A New Hymn from an Emergent Hymnal

Pictured above is the new hymnal from Rob Bell's second cousin on his mother's side, Vern Mayfly, who edited the volume and wrote sixteen of the songs featured in the book. There is a hidden message in each of the "hymns" and this one is no exception:

Jesus help me grab the rope

Only you can toss me hope

Heaven is for all they say

Never to leave and go away

Christ helped me up when I was down

All souls are lost, all souls are found

Love wins big time in eternity now

Very soon everybody will choose to bow

I know my heart will love again

Never to sin against tree or men

Hell is really no place to fear

All who die will not go there

Devils and demons might stay awhile

Nobody else will walk that mile

Once people die they'll see the light

Closed eyes will open to the sight of

Love in sandals, robe and crown

Until that day we'll walk around

Ever witnessing to His love come down (hey nani nani and a hot cha cha)

So, as you can see, their theology is twisted, sister. Be warned.

Meefree the Free Will Conditioner

Mr. Spurgeon

For more Calvinistic songs and lyrics

click here!

And All That Jazz

On a good note, the Baptists who made this album repented a week after it's release. Their follow-up album will be out in July. They promised to tithe their profits...if they don't backslide again.

Arminian Jazz

Album to Avoid

If anyone has a clue to what songs are on this album

please let us know. It helps with the joke.

The Tulip 5 Quintet

Found this old photo of a music ensemble I was a part of before starting Calvinistic Cartoons. We recorded a Gospel album we entitled, "It's Absolutely Free!" - hence, people got the wrong message and just walked out of the store with our album under their arms. Our second album was entitled, "It Cost Everything" and this time no one even attempted to purchase one. We went our separate ways after that. See if you can spot anyone you might recognize in the photo. They all became successful and each one made a few albums of their own.

Terms of Endurement

It Could Happen

Record Breaker

Yes, no one has been able to listen

to this record without breaking it!

When Stupid Songs Began

 Songs That Ultimately Preach Idiotic Drivel

Links Within

For all who know this already...just wait outside while I make this announcement. I don't assume anything with anyone anymore. (I have been slowly learning this blogging thing since November of last year. I should know more, but I don't always care.)

You can click on the words and phrases below and it will give you all the series or similar postings the key word registers. For the Tulip and Grenade cartoons, click on "grenade", for The Journal of Cotton Adams, click on "cotton adams", etc.

Go ahead, try it. When I get time, I will try and improve on these. Thanks for listening.

The staff of Calvinistic Cartoons (which consists of one)

This photo has nothing to do with anything, really...

it's just interesting, thas all.

...and now, after testing it myself, I realize that THIS post will be in every one of the words and phrases I used below. I am a doofus.

Let me mention while I am at it, that the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT will be posted here next week. Lord willing. Stay tuned and please drive carefully.

Elvis Christian Album Never Produced

Recently discovered in an empty pickle jar at Graceland's basement were a number of songs Elvis rewrote.

"He had intended to record another Christian album before he died", said Bebe Swanliver, a guide at the Graceland estate.

"We think this would have stopped his backsliding", Pastor Joe Bob Penman said as he wept and drank an entire two liter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.

Here is the list of songs he wanted on his Christian album entitled,

"No More Hellvis, Just Call Me Elvis":

You Ain't Nothin' But a Lost Dude

It's Now or Never, Heaven Can't Wait

Return You Sinner

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On (written specifically for the Shakers)

All Shook Up (written specifically for the Quakers)

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas (for coal miners)

In The Bible (and his momma cried)

That's When Your Dispensation Begins

Woncha Wear That Cross Around Your Neck

Amazing Grace (sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island theme song)

Emergent Animation

Chartbuster