Coffee House #4

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by

Cotton Adams Coffee Beans, the coffee beans you can eat!

This week takes me to "The Freudian Sip", a coffee shop located in Dusseldorf, Germany. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two English speaking Arminians were discussing Calvinistic Cartoons. They both had their laptops open to my blog. (I admit, I sort of planted the idea in their heads by suggesting they go there. I then, went to the restroom and disguised myself with a Groucho Marx kit made by the same people who invented the Life-size Clydesdale Chia Pet. This is the edited version of their conversation.)

Bo: Just who was that guy? Isn't that him in the corner with the fake Groucho glasses?
Moe: Yeah, that's him…it would probably be best just to ignore him.
Bo: What do you think of this blog?
Moe: Pure D Calvinism.
Bo: Moe, you're the Bible expert! Tell me, why are there Calvinists anyway? Why can't they interpret the Bible like we do?
Moe: Bo, first of all, Calvinists are a proud lot. They are so convincing that it will annoy you. Like a broken record of a singing florist with tulips stuck in his hair. They blindly follow James Calvin like lemmings in an icy rainstorm.
Bo: You are a veritable wordsmith! No wonder you won the Finney Polite Fight Award of 2001. You da man!
Moe: Yes, I AM the man.
Bo: Tell me a little about Calvin.
Moe: James Tiberius Calvin, was born in France the same year Columbus chopped down that cherry tree. He studied at the Institute of Christian Religion and then posed for the Reformation Wall. I believe he had a pet tiger named Hobbes at one time. He created the TULIPS acronym.
Bo: I thought it was just TULIP, y'know five points.
Moe: Yes, that's true…NOW…but, originally, it was SIX points. The "S" was dropped in 1812. It stood for "Sovereignty".
Bo: Where did you learn all this?
Moe: I took a Kenneth Copeland Correspondence Course back in '95. It took me three whole months to graduate.
Bo: You're a gentleman and a scholar! I bet you know when to use a semi-colon!
Moe: I happen to be writing a book on Charles N. Spurgeon right now, and it's full of semi-colons…well, I am writing it in my head. I haven't written anything down as yet. But when I find the right publisher…WATCH OUT WORLD! This book will dispel the idea that Spurgeon believed in Limited Atonement.
Bo: You could debate ANYONE!
Moe: If only John Mugarthur or R.C. Sprawl would walk through that door right now…I would engage him in a conversation about the Five Points and demolish every argument he could muster.
Bo: Look! Isn't that John Mugarthur and R.C. Sprawl at the counter ordering espressos?
Moe: Hey! What are they doing here?
Bo: Now's your chance! I'll go ask them to join us!
Moe: NO! Don't you see? This is some elaborate plan to capture us and burn us at the stake! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

At that moment, both men grabbed their laptops and ran out the back door. Moe left his Dake's Bible and Bo left a tip with a Jack Chick-fil-a coupon worth over seventy five cents on a spicy chicken sandwich. Neither really discussed my blog like I had planned. I'll have to use that technique again in the future. But I did get to meet two guys who looked a whole lot like John MacArthur and R.C. Sproul that day.

Shai Linne Song

Mission Accomplished - A song of Definite Atonement

This is the real thing! It's a good dose of theological truth!

Verse 1

Here’s a controversial subject that tends to divide
For years it’s had Christians lining up on both sides
By God’s grace, I’ll address this without pride
The question concerns those for whom Christ died
Was He trying to save everybody worldwide?
Was He trying to make the entire world His Bride?
Does man’s unbelief keep the Savior’s hands tied?
Biblically, each of these must be denied
It’s true, Jesus gave up His life for His Bride
But His Bride is the elect, to whom His death is applied
If on judgment day, you see that you can’t hide
And because of your sin, God’s wrath on you abides
And hell is the place you eternally reside
That means your wrath from God hasn’t been satisfied
But we believe His mission was accomplished when He died
But how the cross relates to those in hell?
Well, they be saying:

God knows He tried (8x)

Verse 2

Father, Son and Spirit: three and yet one
Working as a unit to get things done
Our salvation began in eternity past
God certainly has to bring all His purpose to pass
A triune, eternal bond no one could ever sever
When it comes to the church, peep how they work together
The Father foreknew first, the Son came to earth
To die- the Holy Spirit gives the new birth
The Father elects them, the Son pays their debt and protects them
The Spirit is the One who resurrects them
The Father chooses them, the Son gets bruised for them
The Spirit renews them and produces fruit in them
Everybody’s not elect, the Father decides
And it’s only the elect in whom the Spirit resides
The Father and the Spirit- completely unified
But when it comes to Christ and those in hell?
Well, they be saying:

God knows He tried (8x)

Verse 3

My third and final verse- here’s the situation
Just a couple more things for your consideration
If saving everybody was why Christ came in history
With so many in hell, we’d have to say He failed miserably
So many think He only came to make it possible
Let’s follow this solution to a conclusion that’s logical
What about those who were already in the grave?
The Old Testament wicked- condemned as depraved
Did He die for them? C’mon, behave
But worst of all, you’re saying the cross by itself doesn’t save
That we must do something to give the cross its power
That means, at the end of the day, the glory’s ours
That man-centered thinking is not recommended
The cross will save all for whom it was intended
Because for the elect, God’s wrath was satisfied
But still, when it comes to those in hell
Well, they be saying:

God knows He tried (8x)

Lyrical Miracles Special Edition

This is a special edition of Lyrical Miracles.

Rule #1: Choose a well known, secular tune. (this could be a nursery rhyme, musical number, easy listening, classic rock, etc. - just make sure it is a song everyone is familiar with)
Rule #2: Write the lyrics based on Calvinistic Cartoons (try to include several aspects of this blog - like songs, cartoons, specific characters, contests, etc.)
Rule #3: Think of this as a TV or radio advertisement. I intend on using the winner's lyrics as part of a promotional ad for Calvinistic Cartoons. I will print hundreds up and drop them off at Dallas Theological Seminary and Criswell College here in Dallas, Texas.

The Cross Exam

T&G Sneak Preview

This is just a preview of the entire true story.
You can read it below this post!

T&G #3

Emergent at 20,000 Feet

Click here for this week's episode to be in HD

Ellery T. Boss is a blogger on an airplane for the first time since his nervous breakdown six months ago.
He spots an emergent leader on the wing of the plane.
Every time someone else looks out the window,
the emergent leaps out of view,
so nobody believes Ellery's seemingly outlandish claim.
Ellery realizes that his wife is starting to think he needs
to go back to the sanitarium,
but also, if nothing is done about the emergent, he will damage the plane and cause it to crash. Ellery steals a sleeping pastor's Bible, and opens the window marked "Auxiliary Exit" to prove the emergent wrong on his view of Scripture, succeeding despite
the fact that he is nearly sucked out of the plane himself.
Once the plane has landed, although he is
whisked away in a straightjacket,
there is evidence of his claims: the unusual damage to the plane's engine nacelle — yet to be discovered by mechanics — that
presumably can only be explained as caused by something that
clawed at the structure's mainframe.