Coffee House #6

This episode of Coffee House Confidential is brought to you by

the Bumper Sticker Study Bible,
Genesis through Revelation - One bumper sticker at a time!

(with sticky notes by Flavius Joe Cephas)

This week takes me to "City Sippers", a coffee shop located in Mudstump, Oklahoma. I had my mini-recorder microphone hidden at a table where two Christian pastors were locked in an interesting discussion. Let's have a listen:

Sam: I don't follow any MAN! I follow Christ! You see, I'm not a Calvinist OR an Arminian - I just believe the Bible! Besides, Paul condemns your divisive ways in 1 Corinthians 1:12...y'know, one says "I am of Apollos, another, I am of Paul..."

Dave: Paul is condemning the practice of putting God's servants on "celebrity status" which is a form of idolatry...and he is condemning a spiritual pride that looks down it's sinful nose at other Christians. The group that states, "I am of Christ" in that passage had a Pharisaical attitude of one-upmanship. Because men are prone to wander from God, following ANYONE who claims he is a "Christian" but, who make HIMSELF the authority over Scripture - who exhalts HIS name over the Lord Jesus Christ, or who demands obedience to his own interpretation is just plain stupid! Paul never did that and neither did Calvin!

Spurgeon said, "Calvinism is nothing more than a nickname for Biblical Christianity." He was spot on. Calvinism isn't adherence to a person, but to a set of beliefs which are rightly in accord with the Word of God!

Sam: The Bible is my map. I don't need someone telling me how to read it...including you!

Dave: To understand a map fully you need to know how to read it. That's why they print a "legend" on the map. It reveals more about the map itself. It helps you to interpret the symbols and explains what you are viewing in precise detail!

Sam: Who needs it? I never use a "legend". I just track where I am going and go.

Dave: Listen, Arminianism has taken the original map and blackened out certain highways and drawn in alternate routes that run contrary to reality! It has pasted their OWN legend over the right one, that in no way conforms to the facts! This is not only misleading, but an act of extreme arrogance as well!

Sam: I told you before, I don't follow a man. I believe man has total free will and that God sovereignly gave man the last word in his own salvation. He can vote yes or he can vote no. It all centers around what MAN will do with his choice. It is not up to God to decide. It left that in our hands.

Dave: Then you are not an Arminian - you are a "Harminian". You hurt yourself and others with your "God-as-cosmic-bellhop" propaganda.

Sam: For that, no more frappuccinos.

Dave: I was the one who bought the coffee, not you.

Sam: Oh yeah.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #21

September 15, 1739

Conducted the funeral for Mitzi Bloom, one of the greatest cooks this side of the Mississippi. Her baking business had so many faithful followers. They all had gathered to wish her the final farewell today. At her request I sang a song she had written to her two best friends and business companions, Tina Martinez and Marge Marginheimer:

Don't Cry For Me Marge and Tina:
It won't be easy
You'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your dough
After all that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see
Is a gal you once knew
Although she was baking a pie
And several muffins and cakes

I had to let it happen
I had to bake
Couldn't stay all my life washing dishes
Looking out of the window
Staring out at the sun
So I chose cooking
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
Until I tasted your rolls.

Don't cry for me Marge and Tina
The cake walks will continue
Keep frying chicken
Make mashed potatoes
Serve hot with butter
Please use the skillet.

There was not a dry eye at the grave site. The supper afterwards was fit for Heaven.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #20

September 12, 1739

It was an honor and privilege to finally meet George Fitwheel, the famous Calvinistic Methodist evangelist today. His voice is remarkable and astonishingly captivating. I still get a chill down my spine when he says that blessed word, "Mesopotamia". He once was intreated upon to become a singer with the "Barnum and Bill Bailey Won't You Please Come Home Circus of the Stars" in Chicken Beak, New Mexico.

Mr. Fitwheel is also lovingly known as "Dr. Squirt'em" because of the irregular tear duct which will shoot an ounce to an ounce and a half of watery saline a distance of six or seven feet. (Ben Franklin measured this phenominan in the Spring of '37).

I have found George Fitwheel to be a very emotional man, and I have noticed that when he weeps, his eyes cross so extremely that tears flow down his back.

We go our separate ways tomorrow, but I have found in him a kindred spirit, a brother and friend.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #19

September 10, 1739

One former member of the Holy Mackerel Club, a very lean and lanky man by the name of Ichabod Spleen, had some unusual ideas for evangelism. One of which was to use ventriloquism to share the Gospel as if it were being communicated from a squirrel in a tree or a swallow resting on a leafy branch. I later found out he was quite insane as he explained to me how he was raised by lemmings.

September 11, 1789

Had counsel with a delightful fellow by the name of Dr. Jekyll this afternoon. He seemed to be a bit jittery at the end of our talk and abruptly excused himself. He made extreme haste in leaving and in doing so left his hat on his chair. Not ten minutes later, a Mr. Hyde barged into my room and demanded a bottle of whiskey and a box of cigars. I explained I neither drank alcohol or smoked tobacco. He grabbed Dr. Jekyll's hat and slammed the door behind him. I noticed he was wearing the clothes of the good doctor and informed the local authorities of possible criminal activity. They found Dr. Jekyll a few hours later behind the feed store, unharmed but clothes torn and dirty.

The Journal of Cotton Adams #18

September 2, 1739

I reached the town of Flavenfoofel in the afternoon. I stayed at the Dew Drop Inn and fell into bed, exhausted from a full day of travel. I visited the Flavenfoofel Friends Fellowship Church and heard a sermon quite innocent of meaning. No substance. No gospel. Just an attempt to make the members comfortable in their sinful practices. the pastor should have put out to pasture. It almost appears he has switched sides. His announcement of a visiting preacher for the evening gathering sparked my curiosity, for I have heard of this name in three of the last towns I ministered.

The evening sermon, by the preacher known as Max Crassman, disturbed me greatly. He is known by some as the "Cursing Preacher", although, a better title would be "The Cursed Preacher".

Is there no man of spirit belonging to this congregation? Why is such burlesque upon public worship suffered? Would it not be far better to pay this "gentleman" for doing nothing, than for doing mischief and for bringing a scandal upon the Grace-filled doctrines we cherish?

I will not repeat even a part of his "sermon" for I am commanded , by our Lord, not to even think on these things, but I will leave you my "List of Reasons" I have now successfully posted throughout this town. I have to confess, I was never more tempted to throttle someone in the "ministry" than I was last night. This was my way of satirizing the preachers position in his use of profane words:

Ten Reasons Why I Use Foul Language

1. It pleases mother so much.

2. It is a fine mark of manliness.

3. It proves I have self control.

4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.

5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.

6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.

7. It impresses people that I have more than ordinary education.

8. It is an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.

9. It makes me a very desirable personality among women and children and in respectable society.

10. It is my way of honoring God who said, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." (Exodus 4:12)

In this way I appeal both to common decency and common sense, which I am afraid is no longer as common as it once was.

Just for Laughs #17

Create the caption that would make an Arminian mailman laugh.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

First off, at 12:40 p.m. today, my wife's mother went to worship Jesus face to face. Please pray for my wife during this time when everything is hitting her rather hard.
I just returned to work from the hospital and gave my supervisor my two week notice. My wife and I will be leaving, August 12, to live in Kuwait.
God has opened the door for us to live there rent free. She will be teaching journalism and I haven't a job yet. I hope to give private cartooning lessons. Pray for my work situation.
My biggest question is "Who is praying for workers in this field?" There are a few churches there and they are packed to overflowing. When I was there last year, I saw a car with the Christian symbol of the fish. It is just against the law to try and convert a Muslim.
Because of my move (the container with a lot of our belongings was sent weeks ago) my blog may suffer a little. So far, I have been able to continue, without my Photoshop-installed computer, to add daily to my blog. You have probably noticed the many postings each day. That is to give the readers a lot to look through while I am in transition. I haven't been able to work on weekends and I have noticed a drop in readership and comments lately. So I would like to ask all of you to dig a little deeper in the archives and please do not drop your following.
Also, I may have to drop a few of my blog links, when the subject of Islam comes up. I will continue my blog there but, I may be monitored a lot more closely. I want to keep the humor going...after all, it is a humor blog. And keep praying...I need the prayers and you need the practice!
This is the hardest move we have ever made. It is a purging of sorts. I have sold, given away and will give give all my Christian books before I leave. I only took a box of my very best. I am dying to self every day and am excited to see what God will do.
And keep this in mind (and heart), whatever comes your way today is not an accident - it is a Divine assignment. Nahum 1:3 is a great verse. (they're ALL great verses - so read all the verses in the Bible before it and all the verses in the Bible after it) It says, "His way is in the whirlwind and the storm." When a storm is going on, all of your plans change. So, your day is really an ACT OF GOD. Look to Him who controls the weather. He is having His way in the storm, so celebrate wherever you are today. You have been trusted by God with an assignment from Him! Take time today to forget about yourself and experience just how awesome God is. Isaiah 6: 1-8, perhaps the greatest worship scene in the Bible, is a good place to focus. Read the passage...but pray first - you are on Holy ground:

1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.
2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.
3 And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."
4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar.
7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"