The Incredible Answer to Arminian Connection Contest

The screenplay was written by Charles Beaumont. It was based on the novel, "The Circus of Dr. Lao" by Charles G. Finney (December 1, 1905 – April 16, 1984) an American fantasy novelist and newspaperman. His full name was Charles Grandison Finney, evidently after his great-grandfather, the evangelist Charles Grandison Finney. His first novel and most famous work, The Circus of Dr. Lao won one of the inaugural National Book Awards: the Most Original Book of 1935.

If Captain America was a Street Evangelist

What Ever Happened to...Bob Harrington?

Most of you may not remember Bob Harrington. He was a very famous evangelist who, quite frankly, became a crook. He says so in his testimony. You can read it here.

I enjoyed listening to him when I was young in the Lord. He was bold with the Gospel and his sermons were anything but boring. But, like many who succumb to fame and fortune, Bob let his ego become his god. He toured with Madalyn Murray O'Hair, the atheist, and would "debate" her on stage. It was a sham. You can read about it in "My Life Without God", by the atheist son, William J. Murray - now an ordained minister.

His daughter has written a very interesting piece entitled, "The Prodigal Father". You can read it here.

I post this for your consideration. I hope to God he has truly returned. What do you think?

Gospel Gun

The Interviewing Process

The Journal of Cotton Adams #20

September 12, 1739

It was an honor and privilege to finally meet George Fitwheel, the famous Calvinistic Methodist evangelist today. His voice is remarkable and astonishingly captivating. I still get a chill down my spine when he says that blessed word, "Mesopotamia". He once was intreated upon to become a singer with the "Barnum and Bill Bailey Won't You Please Come Home Circus of the Stars" in Chicken Beak, New Mexico.

Mr. Fitwheel is also lovingly known as "Dr. Squirt'em" because of the irregular tear duct which will shoot an ounce to an ounce and a half of watery saline a distance of six or seven feet. (Ben Franklin measured this phenominan in the Spring of '37).

I have found George Fitwheel to be a very emotional man, and I have noticed that when he weeps, his eyes cross so extremely that tears flow down his back.

We go our separate ways tomorrow, but I have found in him a kindred spirit, a brother and friend.

Letters to Vizzini

By way of introduction, Elder Vizzini Montoya, one of six elders at Cocopuff Presbyterian Church in LaQuinta, Idaho, has asked me to post his advice column here. He hopes to be an encouragement to the saints and source of wisdom for the ignorant. Vizzini attended seminary for ten straight years at Buttermilk Bible College in Sweet Tooth, Arkansas before it was simultaneously destroyed by a fire, a flood and a tornado last April.

His first entry tackles the age old "Will my pet be in Heaven" question.

Dear Vizzini,
Last week a visiting evangelist mentioned in his sermon that all pets are idols and will burn in Hell. He said all animals are born to deep fry and singled out Mr. Ed and King Kong as examples of pure animal evil. He said many pets are tail bearers and deserve eternal fire. When I asked him about my pet parrot, Mr. Beaks, he laughed and said my parrot probably never kept his mouth shut! When he left for KFC after the service, a pack of dogs and a small lemming attacked him in the parking lot. I want to know if I will see my pet, Mr. Beaks, in Heaven.
Thank you,
Sheree Sharah


Dear Ms Sharah,
That preacher doesn't know what he is talking about! He is just being bull-headed and catty. We know that there are horses in Heaven. Jesus doesn't return in a helicopter y'know. (see Revelation 19:14) Elijah went up into Heaven with the help of some horses (2 Kings 2:11) God could very well have an entire planet of just dogs, ducks or dolphins. Just remember this - If you really want your pet when you get to Heaven, God will give it to you.
In His Service,
Elder Vizzini Montoya

The Journal of Cotton Adams #4

July 22, 1737
"The Preacher", as he preferred to be called, was a man by the name of Booder Butterbean, a tall, lanky fellow with ears the size of blacksmith anvils. I providentially discovered his unique ministry while on my way to Granville county. He had a wagon full of Bibles and Gospel tracts, and a portable pulpit he had built himself. He called it, "I Drive U Buggy - Evangelistic Ministry on Wheels". He had also made little cards he gave to all who wanted them. These cards were brightly decorated and printed on them were the words, "Verses in Scripture Applied". He said they were a reminder to memorize and apply to one's life...he called them "VISA cards". He started out with a song - "I preach from Grace-filled doctrines with a banjo on my knee". Then he cleverly used the acronym BANJO and molded his sermon thusly:
B - Bad to the bone
A - All the elect drawn
N - Nobody but the Bride of Christ
J - Just as irresistible as can be
O - On the pages of the Book of Life forever!


He ended his sermon with a banjo solo and a double backflip and the townsfolk received him gladly. I made my way to the front of the crowd, introduced myself, and asked for an audience with him later that day. Then I found a large oak tree and bedded down for a short nap. Shortly afterwards, I awoke from my slumber by Preacher Butterbean and a large group of towns people.
"Well, here I am Mr. Adams, and I brought an audience with me!"
His lack of formal education had an innocent quality and we became the best of friends. I was certain we would meet again someday soon.

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants part 2

"Please shut the door on your way out!" - C. H. Spurgeon


"What smells in here?!" - John Owen


"I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!" - John Calvin


"Could I borrow your lawnmower?" - Cornelius Van Til


"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to yoooou" - A. A. Hodge


"You mispronounced my name again!" - Augustine


"I think I have a little bit of a fever..." - B. B. Warfield


"Let's see...The Chronicles of Nubia...no, Nagasaki...no, Neiman's..." - C. S. Lewis


"Oh no! I just lost another tooth!" - Thomas Boston


"No more buffets for me thank you." - R. C. Sproul


"I wish I could play the banjo!" - William Carey


"Anyone want some green eggs and ham?" - A. W. Pink


"Here I stand...just don't push my buttons Pope dopes!" - Martin Luther


"Anyone got some jerky?" - Jonathan Edwards


"I'm gettin' me a dog!" - George Whitefield


"See if R.C. wants to go to Wendy's for lunch tomorrow." - John MacArthur

The Journal of Cotton Adams #1

June 14th, 1737

I preached at Charleston, to abundantly more than the house could contain. The subject of my sermon was "Heavenly Horse Sense or the Ability to Say Nay". Some wag mentioned afterwards that he thought it was a very stable message.
As I was about to depart, a hairy, barrel-chested man asked if I would answer a question that has plagued him for some time. Without so much as a pause, he began to tell me, in detail, of his most unfortunate life. He told me incident after horrid incident. His wooden leg, it appeared, had acquired a nest of termites...he talked of his losing his glass eye during a hailstorm a mere two weeks before...he said his hair would catch fire during the monsoon season for no apparent reason...he sadly explained how his dog of eleven years had left him for another master...he mentioned how his entire forty acres of corn had popped during a heat wave last summer...he even ranted about his recurring dreams of golden plowshares and boll weevils.
After a full hour of his chronicles, I seized upon a pause in his loquacity...
"Sir," I implored, "what was your question?"
He cleared his throat, looked into my eyes, and asked, "What would you charge to perform a wedding this evening?"
"Ten pounds," I amiably replied.
He stared at me, emotionless, for what must have been three full minutes, twisted his tiny mouth and asked..."Ten pounds of what?"
It was at that moment I knew I was in the presence of a madman.

The Finney Fiasco

Click on photo to see the big picture. And gird your loins before enlarging.

Benny and Lenny Finney, great-grandsons of the wild-eyed evangelist, commissioned Andy Warhol's cousin, Barney, to create a work of art that would keep Calvinists away from the All American Arminian Art Show in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Ironically, the exhibit frightened everyone away. Jenny and Penny Finney, the great-granddaughters, had to be hospitalized for several days and treated for Crimean-Congo hemorrhagic fever caused by a blood-sucking hairy tick.