Arminian Antics #94

Another Letter from Buster Limburger

Brother Eddie,

Jake Herman's comment touched my heart...yea, my very soul. I need to repent (I said "need to") and would love for someone to present a list of "crazy" Arminians and "crazy" Calvinists so I can compare and see who would be the easiest to convince of my talent. I want to become part of the "Circus" of Churches and a list like that would give me access to many gulli...I mean sincere believers who have plenty of cash.

If anyone makes a comparative listing I just might send them a brand new twenty dollar bill...I said "might".

Your man in straw,

Buster

Meet Tweed Adams - Descendant of Cotton Adams

Mr. Tweed Adams

Received this email today from a new fan of Calvinistic Cartoons...

Mr. Eddings,

I am a direct descendant of the famous Cotton Adams. There are a lot of parallels in our lives I wanted to share with your readers. I will also be requesting any royalties that might belong to me. 

1. Cotton Adams was a circuit rider....I used to work at Circuit City.

2. Cotton Adams had a horse....I have a hoarse throat.

3. Cotton Adams was short of stature....I am short on cash.

4. Cotton  Adams met John Chapman, other wise known as Johnny Appleseed....I bought some chapstick flavored like Apples.

5. Cotton Adams preached to a crowd of 1,000 one night in Memphis from a stagecoach....I was in a crowd of 1,000 one night in Memphis when a preacher fell off the stage.

6. Cotton Adams started churches in several states....I started to go to church in several states.

7. Cotton Adams memorized the New Testament....I once memorized the titles of the books of the New Testament.

8. Cotton Adams fasted every Friday....I eat fast food that's fried.

9. Cotton Adams read books by two candles, for extra light....I read books on my Kindle 2, which is extra light.

10. Cotton Adams died on "Calico" - his horse, while traveling to Sandy Ridge in the Spring. Thomas Sawyer recorded the story. (see Calvinistic Cartoons Tuesday, April 26, 2011 post)....I dyed my calico overcoat a sandy color on the first day of Spring. I was downloading the story of Tom Sawyer on my computer that day.

Your newest fan,

Tweed Adams

Letter from follower #300

Mr. Eddings,

My name is Frito Don Barley. I was your number 300 for about two weeks...until, I spotted something in the archives I didn't agree with! No, I am not an Arminian. I am a Calvinist who is serious about laughter. Call me Inspector General if you must, but your humor is as lame as your helmet. The correct formula for a humor blog, if you indeed call yourself a Christian, is 23% meaningful cartoons with 12% satire and 65% solid theology with footnotes or links. You have failed my standard and I have withdrawn my name from your roster, sir. Get with the program ya little runt. I will pray for you and your kind.

Here's hoping you'll grow up,

Frito Don Barley,

I.G. for Blogger Business Week

P.S. Woe to the next looney tune that signs up as a regular.

Love Letters

My Letter from Loraine Boettner

Loraine Boettner was born on March 7, 1901 and went to be with his Lord and Savior on January 3, 1990. This is a scan or the letter I have taped in my Reformed Doctrine of Predestination hardcover 1980 edition. This serves as a constant reminder of his kindness and his servant attitude, as he was still ministering to students whenever and wherever he could. This is one book I will never be without.

A Letter from Bobo Laughface

 

Dear Eddie,

You may not know this but, even though I am a follower of Arminian Antics, I still read your blog whenever I feel down. Like right now. As you may or may not know, (you choose) I was on a $7,000 paid vacation (I won this by telling Corky Velveeta that Cotton Adams was a Calvinist) and I ran out of money on the second day of my stay in the Cayman Islands. I really could use another $7,000 to get back home! I have already asked every Arminian friend and relative I know, and they all chose to say no. So I thought I would ask any Calvinist out there if he, or she, feels predestined to hand over seven grand to a man with needs. I can promise that when I return home, I will start asking for money to pay you back AND with 2% interest for your trouble. I hear most Calvinists are richer than a bowl of Cool Whip and wanted to let you know that to help an Arminian is like helping a human being. Thank you and best of luck,

Bobo Laughface

DNA Agenda

Everyone knows that DNA is an acronym for the National Dyslexic Association, but it is also the acronym for the Double Negative Arminians, an organization Finney Finney started in 2007. Their agenda is to wipe out all Calvinistic humor and satire.

"We don't want nothing but Arminian humor, which is a product of human free will and human effort," Finney Finney told Moody Monthly. "We hardly have none to speak of, but we cherish it as a toad frog cherishes a lily pad."

"I noticed, before I left Kuwait, that we had 204 "followers". Today it is 203", Eddie Eddings told the Wall Street Journal. 

"I take credit for that," Finney said. "There is hardly no worse challenge than convincing a follower of C.C. to drop his membership and join A.A."

Benny Finney, the blogger/movie director, told the Laodician Journal that he will be writing letters to all members of C.C. and offering a free month of Showtime if they will cancel their membership.

Letter from Lewis

Fan Letter from Pedro

Dear Eddie,
I go to a small evangelical church but lately we have had a lot of trouble with many Don Juan's in our congregation. What can I do? If you answer I will build you a cake.
Flustered,
Pedro

Dear Pedro,
Do you mean a lot of men are flirting with the women at your church?
Puzzled,
Eddie

Dear Eddie,
No, Mr. Eddie, I mean that many Don Juan to do anything! They Don Juan to give money, they Don Juan to help with the nursery, they Don Juan to help out on work day at the church, they just Juan to be ministered to. They have the "Don Juan's".
Your fan,
Pedro

Dear Pedro,
First, talk to your pastor about your concern.
Second, be an example to the others and thank God for the opportunity to serve.
Let me know how things are going.
Your friend,
Eddie

Fan Letter from Kip D

Dear Eddie,
Like, dude, you mentioned in a previous post that Satchmo Crockett (aka Ping Wu) was a DOUBLE agent. Then you went on to explain that he was an anti-Calvinist. Well, Bozo, if he were a double agent that would make him a Calvinist! Do you only have HALF a brain?
Peace out,
Kip D

Dear Mr. Crankypants,
I meant to say that he was working a double shift...and yes, I am right-brained, although my doctor says I show left-brained tendencies at times. Thanks for writing. Your kind of letters keep me on my toes - which can be very painful when you're jogging on concrete. Don't stop writing! It proves you are a man of letters.
Peace in,
Eddie

An Open Letter to My Amish Friends

I've noticed that no Amish people write in and comment. What's up with that?! If I have offended the Amish community with my humor, I apologise. In fact, if an Amish leader will just email me, I will help with a barn raising come September of next year! More than that, I will donate twenty five Wii game systems and a used ipod to the first Amish village that becomes followers of Calvinistic Cartoons. I hope you all have a great day and a fabulous Menno-nite!

Letter with Theological Question

Dear Eddie,
I am a World War 2 vet who suffers from dementia. I was there when they bombed Pearl Bailey and helped Indiana Jones escape the Nazis. I also served in the Civil War (There was nothing civil about it) under the leadership of Oliver Cromwell. I stood arm in arm with Davy Crockett at the Alamo Bed and Breakfast and hid from Geronimo, during the Viet Nam war in Uncle Tom's Cabin. I fought ten rounds with Sonny Liston. I was wounded at Little Big Horn…or was it Big Little Horn, I can't remember. I have had significant memory loss since I went down with the Titanic two weeks ago. So my question is this: Did we exist before we were conceived?
Your friend in need of cash,
Max Platypus

Dear Max,
Yes. But ONLY in the mind of God.
Jeremiah 1:5 records God as saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…"
Your friend who has no cash to speak of,
Eddie

What's the Diff?

Dear Eddie,

I have a problem remembering what the difference is between infralapsarianism and superlapsarianism. Could you help with some memory trick. That way you could do the work and I could benefit from your labor.

Thanks,

Franklin D. Hackensack

Dear Frank,

The difference between infralapsarianism and superlapsarianism is that superlapsarianism has a cape.

All seriousness aside, you have made a two very common mistakes.

1. It's not SUPERlapsarianism , but SUPRAlapsarianism ...and

2. You assumed I would answer your question. (maybe some reader can dumb it down for the both of us)

Your welcome,

Eddie

A Letter from Richard Dawkins-Skeptic

Hi Eddie,

First, let me point out that I have a hyphenated name. "Dawkins-Skeptic", after my mother who married Ludloe T. Skeptic thirty some-odd years ago. (Fact is, every other year was odd, being numbered and all). I am not the infamous atheist. I work at Burger King.

Second, we met once in Wal-Mart in the light bulb section and you gave me your blog card.

Anyway, I am unabashedly, a fan of yours, and I, for one, and "Tea for Two", would like to know if you eat some kind of brain-food to help with your humor. If so, please let me know so I can avoid eating it.

A full-time 5-Pointer,

Richard Dawkins-Skeptic

Dear Richard,

How generous of you to admit that you are "unabashedly a fan."

The next time I run into you it will be my pleasure to give you a good bashing, once and for all.

I am a long-time dependent on unnatural foods, I naturally attribute to them my unnatural strength, unnaturally magnetic appeal and unnatural sense of humor.

I find it amusing that God predestined me to be an theist-turned atheist-turned agnostic-turned Christian/Arminian-turned Christian/Calvinist. Being a Calvinist, I actually have more freedom to enjoy the life God has granted me and humor is a big part of my being.

Thanks for writing.

Eddie

Q&A #2

First of all, let me say that Q&A is a series of questions from readers all over the globe who want answers. These queries come to me from email and envelope. Yesterday, after the posting from a brother in New York, I was flooded with two more letters. Both had the same question and the same return address. Since they are identical I will post only one. And let me just mention at the outset, that THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS. Please remember that. I want everyone to feel that they can ask anything related to Scripture without fear of looking foolish. Thank you.
This question is from Toby and Moby Fernwallet of Blindbug, Maryland. They write:

Dear Eddie,
Is Scientology a cult?
Toby and Moby

Dear Toby and Moby,
That is one of the dumbest questions I have ever heard. Look in any Christian book that lists the cults and, "wah-la" it's right there inside! Don't you ever go to the Christian bookstore?
Every cult has:

Christ-demeaning
Un-Biblical
Loony
Theology

...and Scientology certainly fits into that category!

Scientology
Cultivates
Insane
Egotism,
Non-Biblical
Theology,
Odd
Legends,
Ontologically
Goofy
Yarns!

Thanks for your letters.
Eddie

Letter of Concern

The following is a letter I received from Koko Kula, who lives in the Okavango Delta in Botswana:

Eddie,
I have noticed lately that there has been no Caption Contests, no Lyrical Miracles or T&G, Chic & Gumbo, or Calvinist Cartoons per se. What on earth is going on? Sorry about the snail mail but, we haven't had electricity in four months and my computer was stolen by a Roman Catholic priest named, Father Nada Priest, and dashed against large stones. I have vowed never to drink Sprite because it contains the word "priest"! He has threatened to come back and have me beaten with rods. But, I am more concerned with the changes in your blog. Would you give me some insight as to why you haven't been Photoshopping lately?
Thank you for the seven laughs,
Koko


Koko,
Thanks for taking the time to write. I needed to explain what has been happening lately and you have provided the perfect springboard to do so. My daughter, son-in-law, and grand-daughter are in from Kuwait. The only Photoshop loaded computer is now in the baby's room. I have only a two hour window, in the mornings to do my Photoshopping before I leave for work. Needless to say, I can't go in there without waking the baby. Someday, I hope to own a laptop. That day isn't here yet. When I come home from work, I am working on other important projects. Our two other daughters will be flying in from Colorado soon and staying with us as well. But, all of this is temporary. I will get back to Photoshopping and contests (because I can't create the certificates - I have decided to postpone the contests) (I will try to come up with another kind of contest, in the near future, where certificates are not needed - I am open to suggestions!) Anyway, I appreciate your concern.
Your friend,
Eddie

Two Angry Men Write What's Wrong

Well, some may have noticed that two followers of Calvinistic Cartoons have ripped up their membership cards and left. Usually, I never know why...but, this time both of these men wrote me to tell me what was wrong and why they left. I appreciate that. The first letter is from Bosco Levene of Splattertown, Missouri. The second letter is from Tahoe McFern of Bladderville, New Mexico:



Dear Mr. Eddings,

I have entered your Caption Contests over and over again and YOU deleted my entries. All my friends and family said I should sue you because it is clear that my jokes are worthy of awards.

My first entry was for Contest # 14...the one where the dude is shielding the woman from another dude. Here is my caption:

"Get away from here, madman! I don't subscribe to your newspaper and I never will. So go far from the farm or I will kill you! I mean it now! GO!"

The second time I entered, I posted this caption (for Contest #15 - the one with the singing and the playing and the hat and the lady):

"I will kill you for singing off key! I really mean it! Don't make me get up from this piano bench and prove it...ya low-down, flea-bitten hobo of a man!"

The third one was for Contest #16...the one with the man on the floor and one of the other men is holding a whip:

"Take back what you said about my expensive clothes or I will kill you! I mean it! Here, take this! And this! Now, will you apologize for your insolence? No? Okay, doofus...here some more lashes from my whip!"

It's apparent to me you are one-sided, two-dimensional, and flat-footed! I leave and I will never return! I mean it! I'm not lying! ...oh, yeah, you are also a lousy speller!

Your cousin,
Boscoe

Dear Pea-Brain,

I joined your blog not knowing what a Calvinist was. As I read your attempts at humor, it suddenly dawned on me that you were serious about all this TULIP stuff! I am leaving because you attack other beliefs as well as your own...which proves to me you are insane! And your last posting was about WINE! ...also, Merlot looks a lot like "Merlin" who was a wizard! Are you condoning magic, witchcraft and drinking alcohol? Well, you "broke the straw" on the camel's back when you made fun of the Pope! What has he ever done to YOU?! I hope you drink milk that has gone sour! And then, bite into a donut that has ants crawling all over the insides. I am leaving and will create my OWN blog where no one says anything negative! I will call it..."A Blog for Those Who Have No Computers". And if I ever become king of England, I will have you banished to Rhode Island!

A Letter to Non-Calvinists

Dear Arminian friends,
Please don't take offense at the humor on this blog. If you are Christian, you are my brothers and/or sisters and we should be able to share a laugh together once in a while. If there were an Arminian cartoon blog in existence, I would certainly read it from time to time. But, to my knowledge, none exists! I even have a pretty good working title: "Arminian Antics". Okay, maybe not so good…the point is, you need to lighten up a little and enjoy life. I joke about every denomination here including my own. I use humor to poke fun at both Arminians and Calvinists and every degree in between. I don't expect everyone to agree with me 100%. But, please, take the time to understand what I am trying to do here.

I received the following letter from an Arminian pastor, Rev. Ion Plink, minister of the Church of the Coconut Grove in Fresno:

Mr. Eddings,
I urge you to use that free will God gave you and oppose your own postings. Jimmy Swaggart once said that Calvinistic Cartoons was one of the signs of the coming of Armageddon. I am concerned about your narrow scope and your trivial pursuit of the "hee hee ha ha's" as brother Hinn used to say.
Your thoughtless rantings and ravings have reached the nostils of God and He just might make you lose your salvation. I, myself, know that I can pray and it will be so. I have some of the keys of the kingdom in my coat pocket upstairs and believe me…I know how to use them!
Let me put it bluntly, if you continue to cause division in the sheepfold, I will pray you into either a local hospital or have you trapped inside a cave at Six Flags Over Texas. Your choice.

A man of Charismata and conviction,
Rev. Ion Plink

Now I ask you readers, is this truly a "Christian" attitude? Where is the love I ask ya? This is "sloppy agape" to say the least! He has said he will never read my blog again but, I can track who does…and he reads it every single day. Sounds a little hypocritical to me. This charismatic preacher sent me a box of plastic tongues two days later, with a note that read, "this is the only "gift of tongues" you'll ever get!"
That wouldn't be so bad if he had not sent a large box the very next day with 40 crushed tulips and a note that said, "These smashed tulips are for a sign unto thee…if I see you peeking in our church window or trying to walk through the front door…I will smash YOUR two lips brother man!"
I know there must be some non-Calvinists, some inconsistant Calvinists, some 4 or 3 point Arminians out there who would join our group. I beseech you, band with us and make this world a better place. A place where wee Calvinists can play their bagpipes freely and wee Arminians can laugh with joy whenever an EvangeCube bounces off their noggin. The birds will sing again and butterflies will form colorful words in the sky. Words of friendship and peace. Words of wisdom. In a language nobody can read.

I thank you.

Letter Selected at Random

Dear Sir,
Are you the same Eddie Eddings who was a Gold Medal track winner in the 1976 Olympics that was held in Montreal, Canada and the gentleman who annonymously helped with the notes in the ESV Bible? Are you the same Eddie Eddings who helped the C.I.A. break several codes and the E. Eddings whom Spurgeon's descendants said, "It's like seeing our great-grandfather in the flesh!" and the same Eddie Eddings who saved several surfers from death by fighting off sharks with his bare fists?
Just wonderin',
Chadwick Mifflin

Dear Chadwick,
Well, shucks, what can I say?