Member (dis) Member

Throughout the life of this blog, members have joined and suddenly disappeared. I check my blog daily and I am always thrilled when someone joins CC. Yesterday I had 351 members - now it's down to 349.
I used to think someone out there was murdering Calvinists (I have posted about that elsewhere on this blog). But now, I have come to believe that Arminians, who don't know they're Arminians, join this blog wanting some humor in their lives. They don't know the difference between Calvinism and Arminianism - they just see the word "Cartoons" and jump in feet first. As they scroll down, examine the archives and read the comments, they come to the realization that they are allergic to TULIPS and quickly rip out their membership!
If you are a Calvinistic blogger - has this ever happened to you? Do you have another theory?

What Ever Happened to...Cult Leader Olaf Norris?

click on the pic for to make biggerer

Many have asked me recently, "How come you haven't written about the Viking cult leader, Olaf Norris?" Well, to be honest, he just seemed to drop out of the public eye in 2008.

My cracked research team in Sugarland, Texas did some investigation and came up with the following information:

Olaf Klak, who changed his last name to Norris (because it sounds like Norse), was once the leader of a cult known as "The Striking and Biking Hiking Vikings". His group of sixty five wore horned helmets and Viking underoos and would frequently be seen eating apricot cream cheese danishs while hiking through city civic centers. 

His teachings led many members to live in the crevices of Mount Rushmore. Each member had to be baptized in the icy waters of a public swimming pool and hung upside down to dry for at least ten minutes. Olaf taught that climate change was of the devil and that daylight savings time was a ploy to confuse Scandinavian lands and parts of Greenland.

When Olaf was arrested for littering and sentenced to die on Skull Island, Ed Young came to his rescue. After talking with Olaf and paying for his release, Ed convinced Olaf to abandon his cult group and help build a parking garage for his new airplanes. 

Today, Olaf Norris works for Ed Young Inner-tainment Enterprises Construction Company where he pulls in a six-figure salary each year.

This just in...Olaf Norris passed away yesterday and, as requested by his wife, was set on fire, along with his ABBA CD's, on a pyre that was set adrift at Galveston beach. Ed Young gave a hip-hop message that angered almost everyone who attended. He escaped on his private jet before former cult members could catch him.  

Saddlebags Church

Murder

Yesterday, there were 209 who had joined Calvinist Cartoons. Today, 208. There can be only one explanation. It has happened before. I call it...murder.

I know not everyone who joins is a Calvinist. I have a good, many Arminian friends with a sense of humor, who read this blog regularly. But the DNA testing is conclusive...murder. I can't help but wonder why this blog has stopped growing in members. It had been 209 for the longest time. The new stats provided by a local detective agency, shows that the murderer is traveling by a mule somewhere in the hills of Tennessee at the present time. I only hope Corky Velveeta doesn't run into him. Be careful, my friends. He is NOT, I repeat, NOT a Calvinist! But, he may disguise himself as one.

DNA Agenda

Everyone knows that DNA is an acronym for the National Dyslexic Association, but it is also the acronym for the Double Negative Arminians, an organization Finney Finney started in 2007. Their agenda is to wipe out all Calvinistic humor and satire.

"We don't want nothing but Arminian humor, which is a product of human free will and human effort," Finney Finney told Moody Monthly. "We hardly have none to speak of, but we cherish it as a toad frog cherishes a lily pad."

"I noticed, before I left Kuwait, that we had 204 "followers". Today it is 203", Eddie Eddings told the Wall Street Journal. 

"I take credit for that," Finney said. "There is hardly no worse challenge than convincing a follower of C.C. to drop his membership and join A.A."

Benny Finney, the blogger/movie director, told the Laodician Journal that he will be writing letters to all members of C.C. and offering a free month of Showtime if they will cancel their membership.

Calvinistic Cartoons Welcomes Guild

They represent the Calvinist Guild

the Calvinist Guild...

the Calvinist Guild...

They represent the Calvinist Guillllllld...

And they hope that you will laugh out loud! 

Church Us Ole

The Journal of Cotton Adams #12

June 18, 1739

On the road to the First Baptist Church of Raccoon County in Pine Knot, Kentucky. I am thinking back to the time when I was considering joining the Holy Mackerel Club at Oxford. It was August of 1732 when Polycarp Simons approached me. He mentioned that he and the other ministers in the club had been watching me for some time.

These men included: Pillory Palmetto, Thomas Cokenlocken, Spencer Grommet, Charles Haddon Ducknee, Vinnie Boombana, and Pastor Cotton Mills.

He revealed to me that the name came from their own belief that Jonah had been swallowed by a "specially created giant mackerel". Mr. Simons explained that they believed Jonah had originated the phrase, "Holy Mackerel" and "Something is fishy here!" Members would have the sign of the fish tattooed on their forearm, and would greet other members with, "Am I herring you right?" as a code, verifying membership. Several other ministers meet each month to discuss problems and work out creative solutions.

For example, at the last meeting, Reverend Simons told me the council had decided to always refer to ants as Salvation Army ants. Months before, they decided to rename the "bishops" in their chess set to "pastor/teachers" as in keeping with their own church polity.

This all seemed to me to be a waste of time and energy, and I openly challenged Polycarp Simons to separate himself from such nonsense and join me in my circuit riding ministry. He then denied everything he had told me and said he must excuse himself because of a sudden illness.

I am now beginning to realize his intellect was rivaled only by a small garden tool with a broken handle.

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