America on America

Strange Eschatology

An Interview with the Reverend Gucci Hummina

A small section from last weeks radio program, "Utter Prophecies":

Reverend Gucci, would you please explain to our listeners, your view of the rapture?

Well, I believe there will be a "partial" rapture. Not the partial rapture that has been touted by those who misread prophecy...y'know...some believers left behind and some taken in advance. No sir, that's just stupid. I'm of the belief that EVERY believer will be partially raptured in a twinkling of an eye.

Would you please explain what you mean?

Well, I am trying to...but, you keep interrupting me. By the way, you won't be in that number monkey man.

Y'see, "partial" means "partial", and that's all it means. When the trumpet blows...and fyi...that tune will be "Shall We Gather at the River"...Christians will have their feet taken to Heaven, first. Then, their legs, hands, arms, torso and finally, their heads. It won't be gory or bloody or anything like that, mind you, it'll be beautiful. 

That's sound completely insane if you ask me!

Well, city boy, nobody asked you! You don't get it because you are ignorant of hidden messages. It's actually a message in itself! Our feet do the walking. Our feet has carried us into sin and into church. Our feet take us where we want to go. It's been that way all our lives. So our feet go first, leaving us on our backs so we can see the Rapture unfold. 

What about those who are left? Won't they see these weird amputations occurring? 

Not at all. Y'see...time will stop for unbelievers. We will see this happen...it will last for more than an hour...but, for lost dudes, like yourself, it will all happen in a microsecond. 

How many Christians believe this? Can you back up your claims with Scripture?

Whoever reads my book, "Defeeted at the Rapture", will see the truth and will join our movement. We now have, at least, forty two, who have joined our Facebook page...and, yes, of course I can back up my claims with Scripture!.....

Well?

Well what! I don't owe you an explanation. Read my book! It's all there! Anyway, I have an appointment with Toni and Guy. I will be appearing on TBN tonight as an honored guest speaker. I tag-team preach with Jan Crouch...I just hope she doesn't interrupt me as much as you do. I'm outta here!

Arminian Antics #63

Fan Photo from Poochie Montoya

Thanks for the comic panels from a DC comic (that's DC for Democratic Charismatics) that strangely has some parallels to a certain blogger. This comic strip was originally printed in 1967, as a short story, in a magazine entitled, Ticket to Trouble, and the lead character was named, Eddie Headings. 

Mr. Montoya will be receiving a $7,000 check anytime within the next two month of Sundays. 

Even More Predictions

Vernon Fluffenutter, the pastor of the Church of the Now Ready for End Time Prayers, said his prophecies are 100% accurate or you can stone him if they are not fulfilled by the year 2045!

Here are a few of his latest prophetic utterances he made while in mid-sermon:

On Earth Day in the year 2044, the White House will be repainted and called the Green House. 

An Oprah clone named Koprah will come out with her own magazine called, OK.

In the year 2044 Roman Catholic pope, Fern Tallowitz, will fall into an open manhole. 

Rick Warren's very last book, The Monkey-Driven Evolutionists, will be made into a 3-D TV movie starring Miley Cyrus.

The Federated States of Micronesia, in the year 2043, will declare war on bloggers. Many thousands will lose their lives in the struggle for cyber real estate. 

Church, as we know it, will not be like the church as we know it. But the underground church, as we can imagine, will be just like you imagine.

Frosted Flakes will cease to exist.

Corky Velveeta will be added to Mount Rushmore by mistake.

Branded

Arminian Antics #36

Robertson Predicts Future of 2011

Matt Robertson, twin brother of Pat Robertson, 

went on the 700 Club to broadcast these predictions for 2011:

In the year 2011, Haiti will change it's name to Lovi.

Everyone in America will lose their job except for me.

Someone important will die.

Toothaches will be rampant in Georgia.

The Beatles will do one last concert. But only singing ABBA tunes.

I can see trouble ahead for dying atheists in Bosnia.

Rapture!