Guns N Tulips

Heaven

Mime Utmost Forest Highest

Wesley believed that he could create a new ministry with motion only. His first silent sermon was entitled, "Now is the mime for salvation".

The Journal of Cotton Adams #3

June 16th, 1737
Quite worn from a most exhausting day of preaching, I felt the need to retire for the evening. Mrs. Plodmullet placed her hand on her husband's arm.
"Sir," she said reverently, "you may take your nights rest in the master bedroom."
"No need, my dear madam. A cot or hammock will suffice, I assure you." I protested in a most reformed manner.
"Oh, no...we insist. Besides, my husband and I have been sleeping on our roof as they did in Biblical times."
"But, your roof is diagonal. The roofs in the Holy Land were flat!" I asserted with all the Calvinistic plumb I could manage.
"That explains why we keep waking up in the bushes."
My cognitive powers ushered in the fact that they both had a few buttons missing.

No ER for EE

Thanks everybody! Looks like I will stay out of the ER...at least, according to the prophecy! 30 "followers" is nothing to sneeze at. Besides it's rude to sneeze at ANY number of members. Baklava Koos Koos appeared in my neighbor's dream last night and told him I should give him a twenty dollar bill, my watch, and a bucket of chicken. I hope YOU don't start dreaming about him any time soon... I can't afford it...

The Journal of Cotton Adams #2

June 15th, 1737

Taught in the home of local artist, Wooster Plodmullet this evening. Following the lesson, Mr. Plodmullet unveiled his recently completed masterpiece, still mounted on an easel. It appeared to be an untouched piece of canvas.

"How do you like it?" Wooster proudly asked me.

"Fine...but, what is it?"

"It represents the passage of the children of Israel through the Red Sea!"

"But...where is the Red Sea?" I asked.

"It has been driven back - as related in the book of Exodus, chapter 14 verses 21 and 22."

"And where are the Israelites?"

"They have crossed over."

"What about the pursuing Egyptians? Where are they?"

"They haven't yet arrived."

I began to realize his mind was as blank as the canvas I was viewing.

12 Days of Christmas (revised)

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve commentaries,
Eleven Christian magnets,
Ten CD's playing,
Nine Kinkade paintings,
Eight maps of Joppa,
Seven books by Calvin,
Six Spurgeon sermons,
Five TULIP rings,
Four Christian mints,
Three Pink books,
Two Bible cups,
And a copy of The Sovereignty of God!

Baklava Koos Koos #1

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
And don't forget to click on the picture for a better image!

Brace Yourself for the New Year!

JOIN NOW and keep me out of the ER

Last night I had a dream that I was dreaming about a vision of an Old Testament prophet that didn't make it into the Book. He was the prophet, Baklava Koos Koos, and he showed me a sign. It looked a lot like a "Yield Right of Way" sign but, it had written on it: "30 members by the end of December or UR in ER." Then he hit me on the head with a polo mallet and I awoke in a cold sweat!
I took this to mean that if I do not have 30 followers by the end of the year, I will somehow end up in the Emergency Room at Presbyterian Hospital.
I realize I had eaten some spicy chicken wings, a large pepperoni pizza, popcorn and a bowl of banana puddin' but, this dream haunts me even now...a mere five minutes later. So I decided to post this plea. If my dream goal of at least 30 doesn't happen...I will be writing this, as of January 1st, from the Medical Center in McKinney, Texas.
Of course, there might be a different "interpretation". If anyone can think of one, let me know so I can get some sleep tonight! I thank thee.

Spread the Word

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #4

pilgrim mommy you have won!

Be the first of 2009 to win the Caption Contest!

The funniest caption will be announced on January 1, 2009.

This time there will be a colorful Calvinist Cartoon Certificate (I'm workin' on it) sent to you via e-mail so you can print it, frame it, and place it on your wall. That way, if a thief breaks into your home while you are on vacation, he will see it and admire the fact that you have an award-winning sense of humor, and abandon his thieving way of life. You can rejoice in the fact that you have not only contributed to this site and brought many a staunch Calvinist a much needed chuckle, but you have done a service for your community and the neighboring counties within a fifty mile radius.

Submergent Church

The Journal of Cotton Adams #1

June 14th, 1737

I preached at Charleston, to abundantly more than the house could contain. The subject of my sermon was "Heavenly Horse Sense or the Ability to Say Nay". Some wag mentioned afterwards that he thought it was a very stable message.
As I was about to depart, a hairy, barrel-chested man asked if I would answer a question that has plagued him for some time. Without so much as a pause, he began to tell me, in detail, of his most unfortunate life. He told me incident after horrid incident. His wooden leg, it appeared, had acquired a nest of termites...he talked of his losing his glass eye during a hailstorm a mere two weeks before...he said his hair would catch fire during the monsoon season for no apparent reason...he sadly explained how his dog of eleven years had left him for another master...he mentioned how his entire forty acres of corn had popped during a heat wave last summer...he even ranted about his recurring dreams of golden plowshares and boll weevils.
After a full hour of his chronicles, I seized upon a pause in his loquacity...
"Sir," I implored, "what was your question?"
He cleared his throat, looked into my eyes, and asked, "What would you charge to perform a wedding this evening?"
"Ten pounds," I amiably replied.
He stared at me, emotionless, for what must have been three full minutes, twisted his tiny mouth and asked..."Ten pounds of what?"
It was at that moment I knew I was in the presence of a madman.

Winner of the Solid Gold Plowshare!

Click here to solve the mystery!

Eddie's Advice Column

Dear Eddie,
My husband wanted to look like Charles Haddon Spurgeon, so he grew himself a beard. Then, he just got lazy and wouldn't trim it. He just let it grow and grow. Now his beard is so big and bushy that I have to kiss him through a straw. What can I do about it?
Your loyal fan,
Fern Laganza


Dear Mrs. Laganza,
You can just be patient and wait. It might grow on you after a while...or, you can let him know that Beards A'Plenty pays ten dollars for every foot of beard. They have a ministry to the beardless somewhere in Idaho...if all else fails, you could take Biblical measures and let him fall asleep on your lap. Then do the trimming yourself.
Thanks for the letter,
Eddie

Pardon Me

The newest ministry of Robert Schuller which involves giving indulgences out to "celebrities ONLY" stems from his book, "Self-Esteem, the New Reformation". The only catch is they have to appear on his program and speak for three minutes...then, he, in turn, will bless them and assure them that there is a place for them in Heaven - no matter what Hell they raise while here on earth.  (please do NOT say I was cussing...Hell is an actual place - like Las Vegas or Salt Lake City)

Trivia Time part 7

It was neither Shemp, nor Curly, that was the original member of The Three Stooges - - - In a rare 1929 film, Ted Healey's original Three Stooges were Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Norman Vincent Peale.


Masi Oka, ("Hiro Nakamura" from Heroes) was born with three arms. The special effects man, Klaatu Waterhoser, has to "screen out" the extra arm for the TV series. Masi has never gone to a Benny Hinn Tent Revival and Healing Kneeling Meeting, nor does he ever plan to.

It has already been stated that our shortest fan at Calvinistic Cartoons is Todd Wilkins at 3 feet, 11 inches. But did you know, the tallest Calvinistic Cartoons member is Vern Dailey, who measures in at a whopping 9 feet, 3.5 inches?

Mensa member, Marilyn Hickey, of television fame, helped to invent the RQ-1 Predator, a medium-altitude, long-endurance unmanned aerial vehicle system.


Enya the Irish singer and songwriter, who is Ireland's best-selling solo artist and is officially the country's second biggest musical export (second only to U2) was married to Edward Bullion Montgomery Face yesterday in a beautiful ceremony atop the slanted roof of the Crystal Cathedral. She will now be known as Enya Face.


Scientists used to believe that no two snowflakes were identical...now they have discovered a treasure chest in Greenland that was full of identical snowflakes. Unfortunately, the snowflakes melted when taken into the laboratory...you'll just have to take my word for it.

Cotton Adams Journal beginning soon

Stay tuned for further developments in this new series. This was a great surprise to me. With it comes great responsibility to post his writings. My great-great-great-(etc.) grandfather, T. Bone Eddings, had buried a time capsule, in the form of a metal box, on his farm in West Virginia, where Cotton Adams passed away. Cotton gave T. Bone his journal and asked him to bury it by the tree shaped like George Whitefield's left arm. I was given the box, containing his journal, on the anniversary of my appendectomy. I hope to share some of the entries with those who care...and those who don't.

Snake Rattle & Roll

They found out yesterday that two mischievous kids in the attic of the church were shining a flashlight into the pastor's face.

A local television station reporter asked a member of his congregation if they thought he was mad. The reply was, "No, can't say he is mad...but, he does get a mite upset now and then."

Obvious Problem

Dear Eddie,
A close friend confided in me that he has this alternating nightmare. On even numbered days he dreams he is a wigwam. On odd numbered days he dreams he is a teepee. First a wigwam, then a teepee. Wigwam, teepee. Wigwam, teepee. What should I tell him?
Bonzo McMuffin


Dear Bonzo,
Tell him his problem is obvious - he's two tents!

Scatch & Sniff Bible

Count Z

Be sure to click on the cartoon for a much better view. I'm not kidding!

Mail Bag

Maybe it shouldn't bother me but, when a follower just disappears, it makes you wonder...Did I offend by my satire? I joke about Calvinists just as much as I joke about Arminians…Calminians just as much as Arsonists…I search my blog daily for any added comments or new "members". I realize that I've got a long bloggin' journey ahead of me and some speed bumps and metaphorical flattened skunks are inevitable so I try to encourage myself by reading Christian valentines. When I receive letters like the one below, it makes me wonder how many readers have a healthly sense of humor:

Dear Eddie (Calvinist-Schmalvinist) Eddings,
Why do you always attack non-Calvinists?! Why can't you show more Christian love you freak-faced moron! You are always quoting Spurgeon or Pink or some pea-brain, pin-headed theologian like John Calvin! Did you know he may have been a serial killer? My pastor, the right Reverend Che Che Davis, said so…and he knows his Bible! You don't even know Basic Christianity 101 if you joke about other opinions. Love is all you need you stupid troll. Doctrine has never pulled a man out of a burning car or made gravy for chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes! Doctrine has never given me anything I wanted for Christmas. Fact is, our church has no doctrine to speak of…and we get along just fine! This Sunday, our other pastor, Rev Bev Muchaka, is singing her sermon on money and doing an interpretive dance on the fall of the economy. Which brings me to my question for you: Why don't you use more Arminian verses from the Bible?
Sincerely,
Ludloe Harkensnootle

Dear Ludloe,
There are no Arminian verses in the Bible.
Eddie

Little Known Quotes from Spiritual Giants

"I've got a headache that just won't quit!" - C. H. Spurgeon

"You see this fist…I've got another one just like it!" - John Owen

"Would someone cut me off a piece of ham?" - John Calvin

"Honey, do you know where my socks are?" - Cornelius Van Til

"I need another hour of sleep…wake me at nine." - A. A. Hodge

"Oh, a wise guy, hey!" - Augustine

"It's really dark in here…let's scram!" - B. B. Warfield

"Joy! Joy! Quick! ...Hand me a towel!" - C. S. Lewis

"Oh no! I just lost a tooth!" - Thomas Boston

"You want a cup of coffee? I'm buying!" - R. C. Sproul

"I hope you're not going to eat that!" - William Carey

"Anyone want some blueberry pancakes?" - A. W. Pink

"I think I'll just let my hair grow out." - Martin Luther

"Let's wrestle!" - Jonathan Edwards

"Oh man! I've got heartburn…big time!" - George Whitefield

"It's good to get these shoes off and relax." - John MacArthur

The Breakfast of Champions

By the makers of Arminian Flakes

Old Photo of Spurgeon Fans

This photo was discovered, just days ago, in the Spurgeon Memorial Library inside a small volume entitled, Bee Keeping as a Hobby or Bee Thou Loosed.

Do You Think This Would Sell?

Photos throughout of Miley/Hannah in various Biblical costumes as she tours the Holy Land! This will be the first Bible to be updated each year with new photos and study notes. In the first edition there is a pictorial, and a song, on the "Teen Commandments". This is also the first Bible where no one is over eighteen years old. The publishers felt this would be more relevant to today's teen.

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #3

pilgrim mommy! You get the solid gold plowshare! (offer good only in Heaven) Congratulations!

This was a difficult decision...so many good entries...and keep in mind, I "judge" these captions alone...in a dark room...full of vermin and cobwebs!

It's that time again!
Now that this site has grown by a whopping 2% (as in milk) I expect a lot more to contribute. It's fun! It's easy! It's rewarding! ...and speaking of rewards...the next prize given for the funniest caption will await you in Heaven. When the predestined winner arrives there, just look me up and remind me, and I will give you a solid gold plowshare!

WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20th

See Here!

The Winner of the LAST Caption Contest!

Trivia Time part 6

The name of the first airplane flown at Kitty Hawk by the Wright Brothers, on December 17, 1903, was The Walter Chantry.


According to National Geographic, the youngest person to climb Mt. Everest alone was three year old Gordon H. Clark.


Everyone in the Middle Ages believed -- as Aristotle had -- that the planet Krypton would explode eventually.


In the first season of CSI Hogwaller, in the background of one of the scenes, you can see the star, Fritz Montgomery, reading The Mantra of Jabez.
McFarlane Toys, makers of the Benny Hinn healing action figure, announced last night that the earth will end in 2020.


Prairie dogs are not dogs...nor are they prairies.


Aunt Jemima pancake flour, invented in 1889, originally had the Westminster Confession of Faith printed on the box.


In the television show, LOST, the airline that flew the ill-fated flight is called "Oceanic", that same plane has been used before in films such as Wings (1927) and Flying Tigers (1942) and in many other made-for-TV movies such as Lonesome Dove, Return to the Ponderosa, and Davy Crockett.


A little bit of etiquitte for all you who like to entertain guests...the centerpiece for the dining table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.


The most popular first and last name in the world is Winky Pratney!


Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Timeless Truth

High Dollar Shack

1949 Magazine Ad

This is an advertisement that appeared in "Better Calvinistic Homes & Gardens" in 1949.

Nomadic Church

The Missiles of December

Outdoor Church

They do have an alligator problem that has to be addressed at their first board meeting next Monday night.

Little Calvinist Products

Create a Calvinistic Cartoon Caption #2

THE WINNER IS pastorharold! Thanks for the great caption and don't forget to floss daily!

It's time once again, boys and girls, to supply an award winning caption!

Until we get one thousandth of the readership of Pyromaniacs, all captions are judged by a panel of one. (That would be me) But, I have some imaginary friends and an inner child that want to cast a vote as well. You have one week to complete this task. On Saturday, December 13th, I will announce the winner. This time the prize will be the beautiful Whirlpool Galaxy and a coupon (good for Sundays only) at Chick-fil-A.

Question to Answer

I have posted a very interesting (and completely serious) question I would like answered on my other blog. Please click on the link and let us know what and why. Thanks. A Question for the Books

Hoot Mon and a Wee Bit of Advice

Pastor and bagpipe worship leader, Bubba McDunebuggy, always uses the marquee to send personal messages to friends and family. Last week, he attacked The Sacred Sandwich Coffee Shop and Feed Store because they wouldn't give him a clergy discount on the coffee of the day.

The Finney Fiasco

Click on photo to see the big picture. And gird your loins before enlarging.

Benny and Lenny Finney, great-grandsons of the wild-eyed evangelist, commissioned Andy Warhol's cousin, Barney, to create a work of art that would keep Calvinists away from the All American Arminian Art Show in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Ironically, the exhibit frightened everyone away. Jenny and Penny Finney, the great-granddaughters, had to be hospitalized for several days and treated for Crimean-Congo hemorrhagic fever caused by a blood-sucking hairy tick.

A Leap of Faith

Trivia Time part 5

One of the lead roles for the movie "The Bucket List" originally was offered to George Beverly Shea.

Rome wasn't built in a day, although the contractor told them it would be.

In an Egyptian tomb, archeologists have discovered figures that look amazingly like the Old Fashioned Revival Quartet.

Buck Owens and Wayne Grudem were freshman roommates at Harvard.

No death-row inmate has ever asked for an Egg McMuffin and a Banana Smoothie as his last meal.

Charles Hodge was an avid hunter. On one safari, he bagged 16 avids.

In addition to Post Offices and Immigration Offices, you can renew a passport at Burger King.

Cleveland, spelled backwards, is DNA Level C...which was the level of DNA in A. H. Strong's dog, Misty.

Steven Lawson once believed that ants didn't sleep. Then, one summer day, he stumbled over several ant beds in his backyard.

New Arminian Bible

It was "bound" to happen sooner or later

The Prince of Preachers PC Game

Now with every purchase of the complete 1,001 volume set of Everything Spurgeon you get a FREE PC game and a years subscription to The Sword and Trowel.